TOP TEN LISTS
TEN FAVORITE TIMES OF THE DAY
BY M. TURNER/ WARMER MILKS
10 SONGS OF 2006 (WAYZTED)
by Reggie Queequeg
KanYe West "Gone" Totally nuts jam, Jon
style is all over this one, the raps are pretty good,
especially Cam'ron's (totally looks weird typing that
out, so many "'"s) but I keep getting distracted
the strings and piano.
Nautical Almanac "Try It 2wice" Nautical
Harry Pussy style song...kind of. Wasn't Adris a
member for a minute or something? Anyways, Max's
drumming is nuts (and sampled too, I am pretty sure),
and there's a violin doing the screaming parts.
Comparable to HP, sure, but it's totally NA style
circa right now. They are at the top of their game.
Excepter "(The Ass)" Sooooo stoooooned.
weeeeeoooooo weeeeeeeahhhh weeeeeeeeooooo weeeeeeahhhh then
some bird chirps! Contrary to what my editor claims, The Ass
would be a good song title even without the parenthesis. What
is wrong with that guy? I suppose he thinks Smog is a better
band now that they are called (smog)? That's stupid.
Wolf Eyes "Human Animal" Totally sick.
I am talking
about the version from Wolf Eyes and Prurient's "The
Warriors" album, I think their next album on Sub Pop
will be called Human Animal, so hopefully there'll be
another version of the song on there. It's super
loose and free, more in the mode of Desert of Glue, or
whatever that one song was called.
Bon Jovi "Have A Nice Day" It is good to
Bon Jovi still don't care about what people say about
them. They do things their own way! I also really
like how the album cover is maybe the worst album
cover ever, unless it was designed by one of the band
member's young children or something. That's cool, to
let your 4 year old make an album cover. The video of
this song is amazing, the Bon Jovi "street team"
around town putting up stickers of this slightly
rebelious picture, and it FREAKS OUT THE SQUARES,
maaan! But seriously, I like the melody of this song,
just like I liked their last hit.
Prurient "Sorry Robin" Another song that
is like a
tribute to Harry Pussy! Drum attack! Insane!
Animal Collective "Grass" "I was smoking
just like my father"? I think that is what the guy is
saying. Good song. Also, I thought it would be funny
to put Prurient between Bon Jovi and Animal
Collective, as a passive agressive way of revenge on
the time he kicked my ass. (even though that was my
Lexie Mountain "untitled" Or maybe self
side of the split tape with Abuelo Hongo is totally
nutz and features a tarot reading. I am too drunk to
describe the whole tape right now, but I will review
Juelz Santana "Murda Murda" Jeez, Juelz
Starts off with a reggae sample, then the chorus goes
"murdamurdamurdamurdamurdamurda" with a bunch of
noises on top of each other. Totally reminds me of
mid period Wolf Eyes. Cam'ron guests on this one too!
(Red Hot) Old Mose "Male Man" He is selling
tamales, and they sound very good (and hot!) The
highlight of the song is whenever he yells
"WHOOOOOOOMMM!!!! MALE MAN!!!!! The guitar line is
perfect, and completely unconnected to the vocals.
From American Primitive Vol 2.
I WERE ON A DOLE QUEUE IN ENGLAND IN 1981, THESE ARE THE TOP
TEN TUNES I WOULD HAVE ON THE MIX TAPE PLAYING IN MY WALKMAN
by Tony Rettman
1) Cockney Rejects - 'We Are The Firm'
2) Crowbar - 'Hippie Punks'
3) The Ruts - 'Backbiter'
4) Sham 69 - 'Unite and Win'
5) The Underdogs - 'East of Dachau'
6) Angelic Upstarts - 'Shotgun Solution'
7) Blitz- 'Razors in the Night'
8) Last Resort - 'Rose of England'
9) No Choice - 'Cream of the Crop'
10) 4 Skins - 'Chaos'
9 MOST ROCK'N'ROLL SONG TITLES ON BLACK SABBATH'S BORN
03. "Disturbing the Priest"
04. "The Dark"
05. "Zero the Hero"
06. "Digital Bitch"
07. "Born Again"
08. "Hot Line"
09. "Keep it Warm"
WEIRD ALBUMS OF 2005
Warmer Milks Penetration Initials
02. (TIE) Alvarius B Blood Operatives on the Barium Sunset
/ Uncle Jim Superstars of Greenwich Meantime / all
03. Various Artists Invisible Pyramid: Elegy Box
04. Burning Star Core Mes Soldats Stupides
05. Renato Rinaldi Hoarse Frenzy
Social Club #5 / Vibracathedral Orchestra Smash!
08. Hair Police Drawn Dead
09. Sapat 'Tour CDR' (cow on an envelope)
10. (TIE) Number None Nervous Climates / Miminokoto
Orange Garage / Devillock These Graves /
Panther Skull Slothwave / Mudboy This Is Folk
"Timely" Larry Dolman
01. No Doctors "ERP Saints"
02. Tower Recordings "The Galaxies and the Sensual Transmission
03. Six Organs of Admittance "School of the Flower"
04. Chinaboise "The Greatest Story Ever Told"
05. Loren Mazzacane Connors/Christina Carter "Meditation
on the Ascension of Blind Joe Death, Part 1"
06. Jessica Rylan "New Secret"
07. To Live and Shave in L.A. "God and Country Rally!"
08. Monoshock "Runnin' Backwards From the Ape-like Superman"
09. Zelienople "Sleeper Coach"
10. all Sublime Frequencies from 2004
10 SONGS I SAT IN THE CAR AND LISTENED TO IN THEIR ENTIRETY
WHEN THEY CAME ON THE RADIO THIS WEEKEND RATHER THAN -- A)
GO INSIDE MY SISTER'S HOUSE OR B) GO INTO WAWA'S AND BUY COFFEE
by Tony Rettman
1) The Dickies - 'She's A Hunchback'
2) Madonna - 'Where's The Party?'
3) Kelly Clarkson - 'Since You've Been Gone'
4) Amerie - 'One Thing' *
5) Bad Company - 'Shooting Star'
6) Mission of Burma - 'Peking Spring'
7) The Fall - 'Flat of Angles' **
8) Mahavishnu Orchestra - 'Meeting of the Spirits' **
9) The Hollies - 'Games We Play' ***
10) Kelly Clarkson - 'Since You've Been Gone' ****
* Shit...this track even gets me wiggling
'round a lil' bit and I'm pretty caucasian when it comes to
movin' round to music (I'm stricly a minority when it comes
to other matters, tho'...) And now that I've seen the video,
I am a full fledged card carrying member to this shit. Don
Rettman's loveseat never felt so steamy! WOO-OOH-EW-OH!!!
** If it wasn't for Brian Farmer and his awesomely
excellent radio show on WPRB, 'Idiot Control' (which he usually
hosts with Chris Bozzone) I wouldn't have heard either one
of these gemstones while I was sitting in the parking lot
of a WaWa in Yardley, Pennsylvania, staring at teenage ass
and contemplating exactly WHY I was there. Oh yes...to visit
my family. What the fuck kinda exisitence is this? P.S. --
Do not try to talk to teenage girls while blasting fusion
prog outta your dad's car. It just doesn't 'do it' for them...trust
me. P.P.S. -- The fore mentioned Brian just started whipping
an excellent 'blog' presence that's bitter, insightful and
says real nice things about me. How can you resist? http://idiotcontrol.blogspot.com/
*** This track wasn't played on the radio
at all and I'm a big fat liar. But it would of been cool if
it did come on. I really like it. More than this hair I can
see on my face but can't find.
of two mentions you axe?..If you feel the need to utter such
a statement, please go suckle like a new born...
10 BEST LYRICS/LINES ON THE 1st GENERATION X LP (BOTH THE
U.S. & U.K. VERSION)
by Tony Rettman
1) 'A hundred Rumble boys and Tumble girls/Protected
by steel in a private world'
2) 'A hundred punks run with total suss/A hundred good mates
you know you can trust/There's never no bother/and there's
never no fuss'
3) 'I just want to give the feeling Rock and Roll gave to
me/And to say what I believe in'
4) 'You're the face upon a playing card/A coloured painted
cold visage/Just a pawn of somebody somewhere/Only trouble
is you're gonna get nowhere'
5) 'John Paul George - Kleenex/Governments use Kleenex'
6) 'We started out with guitars and hate/With our rooms in
the clouds we could hardly wait/Our legs apart, our amps up
7) 'When a hidden flick knife flicks'
8) 'Living for inflation/I know I never win/Just to earn a
living/They keep me locked in'
9) 'Might take a bit of violence/But violence ain't our only
stance/Might make our friends enemies/But we gotta take that
10) 'I'm walking in the street/With the latest on my feet'
DOLMAN HIT PARADE
(this is not a year-end list)
TOP 10 TRACKS
01. "It's Alright Ma, I'm Only Bleeding" -- Bob
02. "Move Me on Down the Line" -- ZZ Top
03. "Bank Roll" -- Tim Trees
04. "You Are Legend" -- Burning Star Core
05. "Patriarcat" -- Areski & Brigitte Fontaine
Rain" -- Linda
-- Pugh Rogefeldt
08. "If You See Her Say Hello" (bootleg series volume
3 version, incredible) -- Bob Dylan
09. "She's A Killer" -- Gutters
10. "[Bride of Organ Grinder track one]"
10 NEW ALBUMS
01. Little Howlin Wolf 7"s, vol 1
02. Astral Social Club Vol. 1
03. Rad Kjetil and The Loving Eye of God s/t
04. Folk and Pop Sounds of Sumatra Vol. 2 (SF018)
05. Harmika Yab-Yum: Folk Sounds of Nepal (SF017)
06. xex group:xex (reissue)
07. Avarus Jättiläisrotta
08. Jack Wright Solo Up For Grabs
09. Yuma Nora Red Train Graphing the Sunset of All
10. Master Musicians of Bukkake The Visible Sign of the
10 OLD ALBUMS
Jorge Mautner Para Iluminar a Cidade
02. Pugh Rogefeldt Ja a Da Da
03. Jan Dukes De Grey Mice And Rats In The Loft
04. Sergius Golowin Lord Krishna von Goloka
05. Mountain Bus Sundance
06. Bob Dylan Blood on the Tracks*
07. Bob Dylan New Morning
08. Various Artists A Christmas Gift For You From Phil
09. Suicide s/t 1st*
10. Deviants Ptooff!*
into Obviousville here, not to mention the township of No
10 OTHER THINGS
02. NOISE! Th' anti-blog. (nodoctors.com/etc.html)
03. all Werner Herzog always
04. d.a. levy
05. White Tapes
06. Videodrome (Criterion Collection DVD)
07. Crossing the Rubicon by Michael C. Ruppert
08. James Williamson's guitar on Raw Power &
09. East Rogers Park
10. the many wonderful Thai restaurants of Chicago, Illinois
(Indie Cafe, Penny's, Roong, Thai Oscar, Thai Lagoon, Thai
Valley, to name just a few, and of course Arun's if you're
01. "[Bride of Organ Grinder track two]"
02. "Unknown / Unknown / Tari Minang" -- Folk
and Pop Sounds of Sumatra Vol. 2 (SF018)
03. "Pumpkin Seeds" -- Devendra Banhart
04. "[all tracks untitled and great]" -- Astral
05. "R.R. Chicken" -- Crawlspace
05. "Medication, My She-Bowels!" -- To Live And
Shave In L.A.
06. "Bob Supeter Polka" -- Little Howlin Wolf
07. "Hoda's Shanty" -- Little Howlin Wolf
08. "Stranger Mon" -- Little Howlin Wolf
09. "An Eternity In Obscurity" -- Berg Sans Nipple
10. "There Is No Law In Nature" -- Crawlspace
10 SPINS AT DOLMAN FAMILY NIGHT (1/05/05, Omaha NE, 15 inches
of snow outside)
10. "Annie's Song" -- John Denver
09. "Thank God I'm A Country Boy" -- John Denver
08. "Depending On You" -- Doobie Bros.
07. "What A Fool Believes" -- Doobie Bros.
06. "Love Is Alright Tonight" -- Rick Springfield
05. "Reelin' in the Years" -- Steely Dan
04. "My Old School" -- Steely Dan
03. "Candyman" -- Grateful Dead
02. "I'm On Fire" -- Bruce Springsteen
01. "Deacon Blues" -- Steely Dan
10 STARS OF THE STAGE & SCREEN THAT HAIL FROM THE STATE
02. Johnny Carson
03. Fred Astaire
04. Henry Fonda
05. James Coburn
06. Montgomery Clift
07. Dick Cavett
08. the dude who played Bernie in the Weekend at Bernie's
09. Nick Nolte
10. Chris Klein (memorable in American Pie and Election)
10 LIFE-CHANGERS PLAYED ON Z-92 ("THE ROCK"), OMAHA,
by Lawrence "Red State" Dolman
"Iron Man" -- Black Sabbath
02. "Down By The River" -- Neil Young & Crazy
03. "Powderfinger" -- Neil Young & Crazy Horse
04. "Black Dog" -- Led Zeppelin
05. "Highway to Hell" -- AC/DC
06. "Train Kept A Rollin" -- Aerosmith
07. "Low Spark of High Heeled Boys" -- Traffic
08. "Kid Charlemagne" -- Steely Dan
09. "Going to California" -- Led Zeppelin
10. "Fool in the Rain" -- Led Zeppelin
10 BEST SUN CITY GIRLS ALBUMS
by Larry Dolman
My recommendations, anyway, whatever they may be worth, with
#1 being the most recommended, in descending order of essentiality.
Subject to change without notice.
of the Mystics (Majora LP, 1989; Tupelo
CD, 1993). It's the obvious choice, but it really is
a perfect introduction, a collection of short songs so catchy
that almost anyone will sit and listen to it. There's none
of the gratuitous vicious improv that SCG usually includes
in order to keep The 99 Percent Nation (a/k/a "The Norms")
at bay, but it's still deeply loaded with layers of scorch
and baffle that reveal themselves slowly and continuously
02. 330,003 Crossdressers From Beyond The Rig Veda (Abduction
2CD, 1996; Locust 3LP, 2002). Not just for
the music, which is all amazing, but for the sheer girth.
From Pan-Asian pop to gamelan music to soundtrack music to
heavy downer folk ("CCC"!) to 33 minute improvs
with heavy metal violin, the most Sun City Girls variety you'll
get on any one release (including Box of Chameleons).
03. Sun City Girls (Placebo LP, 1984).
The self-titled debut LP from 20 years ago still sounds
04. Horse Cock Phepner (Placebo LP/CS,
1987). Maybe this should go higher on the list. Maybe
this should just be #1. If you get a chance, listen to it.
You'll see what I mean, and it's so much more than just the
dirty jokes, even though the smut of "Nancy Reagan"
makes it my personal favorite song ever about U.S. politics.
(Lately I've been thinking of it as "Laura Bush,"
with the role of Mr. T played by Kobe Bryant and/or Michael
Jackson, but that's probably just a phase.)
05. Kaliflower (Abduction CD/LP, 1994).
Much smaller than Crossdressers, but somehow almost
as varied, featuring the all-time classic introduction "X+Y=Fuck
You" (put that on your K-Tel novelty rap compilation),
an incredible 1990 live-in -Chicago version of "The Venerable
Song," the Atlantean/Venusian Frankie Valli (Frankie
Kali?) drum circle gospel tune "So The Dead Tongues Sang,"
coupla sweet VU-type jams, and even more.
06. Alvarius B (Abduction 2LP, 1998).
Maybe this shouldn't be on here, as it's not actually a Sun
City Girls album. But it's such a piece of work that the world
should know. This is an album of almost forty songs written
and performed solo by Alan Bishop, just his voice and acoustic
guitar and lyrical imagery taking you down increasingly creepy
paths of allusion, satire, filth, and paranoia.
07. Dante's Disneyland Inferno (Abduction
2CD, 1996; Locust 3LP, 2002). Like the Alvarius B album,
I list it not so much for being a Sun City Girls album as
I do because it's a work of art that simply cannot go unmentioned.
It's almost (but not quite) literature instead of music. Every
track is a different window on some sort of psychological
malice or horror, the blinds raised almost entirely by the
texts/readings of (SCG drummer) Charles Gocher. Set pieces,
one-act plays, surrealist skits, campfire songs, evil nursery
rhymes, invocations, rants, poems, dream narratives, creepy
uncles, malicious neighbors, songs, and more, for 139 minutes,
with the perfect cinematic musical accompaniment throughout.
08. Bright Surroundings, Dark Beginnings (Majora
LP, 1993; Majora CD, 1998). Side one is the 'definitive
studio version' of "The Venerable Song." Side two
is split evenly into two cuts, both heavy psychedelic red
torch light jams. One of their most straight-faced albums
besides Torch, and their best album of 'long cuts.'
(i.e. Dawn of the Devi LP, Live From Planet Boomerang
09. Libyan Dream (Cloaven CS, 1993;
Abduction CD, 2001). This is the album that is most
like Torch of the Mystics. But then again, it's different
. . . for example, Torch has no 'long cuts,' and
Dream ends with a 'long cut' (15 min.) that sounds
like Wah without the wah. And the Amboy Dukes cover
10. The Dreamy Draw (Abduction CD,
2000). This emerged as a fan favorite from
the not-always-quite-this-essential Carnival Folklore Resurrection
series, presumably for its distinctly hushed bell-tone quietude,
sustained throughout, living up to the dreamy album title
(the name of a well-known dam and recreation area in Phoenix,
AZ). The most thoroughly gentle SCG release, by far.
NOT TO MISS: Carnival Folklore Resurrection #11/12 (Carnival
Folklore Resurrection Radio) 2CD (it's brand new -- not
necessarily a good introduction but a truly amazing release).
And, God is My Solar System / Superpower 2LP, Midnight
Cowboys From Ipanema LP or CS, Jack's Creek
LP, Live at Planet Boomerang 2LP, any of the 7-inches,
any of the videos, Carnival Folklore Resurrection #7 (Sumatran
Electric Chair), Wah CD, and, for all the Gocher
freaks out there, Carnival Folklore Resurrection #8 (The
Handsome Stranger) is another Charles Gocher libretto.
I'm sure I'm missing some obvious ones, but get all these
albums and you've at least scratched the surface . . . . .
for more info.
'GOD AM I SICK OF LOOKING AT THAT OTHER TOP 10' TOP 10
by Tony Rettman
1. Bee Gees-'Birdie Told Me'
2. Everly Brothers-'Leave My Girl Alone'
3. Really Red-'Modern Needs'
4. Blitz-'New Age'
5. Van Der Graff Generator-'Orthenthian Street
(Parts One + Two)'*
6. Buckingham/Nicks-'Long Distance Winner'
7. Vice Squad-'Young Blood'
8. The random violence of The Magik Markers
10. The Child Molesters-'Wholesale Murder'
* 'Orthenthian Street' is a track that haunts
me like a bright brown stain in my gotchies. The wordage makes
me never want to pick up a pen again (Not even to write--'note
to self--eat hot lead tomorrow') and the general package is
a sweeping, tear bringing thing. I put it right up there with
'When Tigers Fight' by Alone In A Crowd or 'Brightside' by
Raw Deal. Yeah, it's that much...
JAMS IN MY CAR'S TAPE DECK, CIRCA HIGH SCHOOL ('89-'92) THAT
I PROBABLY COULDN'T LISTEN TO NOW
by Chris Sienko
10. V/A – Athens, GA: Inside/Out
9. Prong – Beg To Differ
8. Defenestration – Dali Does Windows
7. Red Hot Chili Peppers – Mother’s Milk
6. Ministry – The Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Taste
5. Echo & The Bunnymen – s/t
4. Nine Inch Nails – Pretty Hate Machine
3. Primus – Sailing The Seas of Cheese
2. The Wonderstuff – The Eight-Legged Groove Machine
1. Mr. Bungle – s/t
CARD, TOP 10 STYLE
by Joe Johnston
Top 10 Puns And Gags from the 35th Season of Sesame Street:
Count explains he is called The Count because he loves counting
things, and also because of his royal heritage
09. The Getting Dressed Channel lineup: first, “Socks
in the City,” followed by
08. “Shall We Pants,” starring
07. Shirt Reynolds
06. Oscar has two bands rehearse in his trash can at once,
04. Reality show Joe Hundredguy, who pretends to know how
to count to 100 but can do so only with the help of his British
03. Boisterous, balding southern self-help talk show host
02. Each episode this season ends with Oscar reading Slimy
the Worm a chapter from the serialized adventure series Trash
01. Count von Count and Julianne Moore enact a scene from
“Far From Seven”
Christmas Carol (Mattinson, 1983)
09. Frosty The Snowman (Rankin/Bass, 1969)
08. A Christmas Story (Clark, 1983)
07. Eyes Wide Shut (Kubrick, 1999)
06. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer (Nagashima, 1964)
05. Beavis and Butthead Do Christmas (Judge, 1995...would
that all this misplaced ‘90s nostalgia would at least
give us some Beavis and Butthead reruns)
04. Amazing Stories episode “Santa ‘85”
03. A Charlie Brown Christmas (Melendez, 1965)
02. Twilight Zone episode “Night of the Meek”
(Serling, 1960, with Art Carney as ersatz Santa)
01. “How The Grinch Stole Christmas!” (Jones,
Wonderland (Darlene Love)
09. What Child Is This (any ragtag church choir)
08. Joy To The World (John Fahey)
07. (Is This Really) Christmas Time? (Head of Femur)
06. Christmas (The Who)
05. Frosty The Snowman (The Ronettes)
04. The Christmas Song (Nat King Cole)
03. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas (Bing Crosby)
02. Christmas Time Is Here (Vince Guaraldi Trio with kids
01. Silver Bells (Dean Martin)...This song captures the whole
of the Christmas spirit for me...it makes me want to don a
tuxedo, top coat and white silk scarf and stand on a busy
street corner at night with a quadruple scotch and soda as
a blizzard falls on me and I drunkenly smile ear to ear at
kids and parents as they shuffle by. That’s pure drunk
holiday velvet bliss, baby! Merry Christmas!
TOP 10 TUNES THAT MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER AND STOP ME FROM
BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST THE COUNTER WHILE SCREAMING 'THEY
ALL HATE YOU AND YOU SMELL LIKE DUNG!!!!'
by Tony Rettman
2. Motley Crue-‘Public Enemy No. 1’
3. The Pack-‘King Of Kings’
4. Virgin Prunes-‘Sandpaper Lullaby’
5. Narnia-‘The Juggler’
6. Tyla Gang-‘Styrofoam’
7. Twisted Roots-‘The Yellow One’
8. Black Flag-‘I’ve Got To Run’
9. Rockpile-‘When I Write The Book’
10. Elton John-‘Country Comfort’
10 PIECES OF MUSIC TO GET CHASED TO
by Joe Johnston
from "Psycho" (Bernard Herrmann)
09. "Shakey Jake" (Joe McPhee)
08. "Toad" (Wheels of Fire version) (Cream)
07. "Trees Have Roots In The Earth" (Brotzmann/Drake)
06. "Herbert Harper's Free Press News" (Muddy Waters)
05. "Straight Ahead" (Jimi Hendrix)
04. "Detonator" (Last Exit)
03. "The Dream of Jacob" (Krzysztof Penderecki)
02. "Directions" (Miles Davis)
01. "Out to Launch" (Sonny Sharrock)
TOP 10 INFLUENCES
ON PENTAGRAM (IN
THE ORDER THEY ARE NAMED BY PENTAGRAM DRUMMER GEOF O'KEEFE
IN HIS LINER NOTES TO THE PENTAGRAM ALBUM FIRST DAZE HERE
-- ALL I'VE TAKEN OUT IS THE COMMAS)
2. Uriah Heep
3. Sir Lord Baltimore
5. The Groundhogs
the Stooges," adds O'Keefe, but that would be eleven...
10 CLASSICAL JAMZ FOR 7/26/04
by Weasel Walter
Carter - Double Concerto for Harpsichord and Piano -- This
legendary american sick-fuck created a masterpiece of dizzying
complexity and bombast as a showcase for dueling keyboards.
When the dust clears, everybody wins.
2. Igor Stravinsky - Les Noces -- the birth of brutal prog:
check out the Leonard Bernstein conduction of this monster
and you'll probably never be able to listen to Magma with
the same gee whiz amazement ever again.
3. Olivier Messiaen - Sept Haikai -- A succinct seven movement
freakout containing awesomely filigreed and polyphonic pile-ups
of bird-song, gamelan, Hindu talas and more.
4. Alban Berg - Three Pieces for Orchestra, Opus 6 -- 20 minutes
of intense, kaleidoscopic noise from one of the big-three
Austrian twelve-tone daddies.
5. Pierre Boulez - Rituel -- A bizarre construction featuring
mobile-like orchestra interludes floating eerily over skeletal,
phasing percussion death-rattles.
6. Aaron Copland - Inscape/Connotations for Orchestra -- Yes,
America's compositional sweetheart wrote gnarly, dissonant
abstract shit too, just like the best of them. The proof is
7. Dmitri Shostakovich - Sonata for Violin and Piano -- This
guy had a pretty hard deal, living through two world wars,
Stalinism and censorship in Russia during the 20th Century,
but his later works cry out in righteously bracing harmonic
and rhythmic freedom while still retaining a melodic core.
8. Carl Ruggles - All -- A neglected figure in early US weirdness,
his slender oeuvre is replete with earbending discord and
asymmetry on par with Varese, but heavier and more uniform
in tone and timbre.
9. Lucia Dlugoszewski - Angels of The Utmost Heavens -- a
stunning work for brass ensemble that darts around in a violently
superhuman rage, halting and lurching at an unpredictable
and hellish pace. This one goes out to the ladies.
10. Gilbert Amy - Diaphonies -- A sublime barrage of extremely
spiky, pointillistic chamber music . . . and I'm not going
to say anymore because I need to go to sleep.
THE LIBRARY AND LEARN ABOUT MUSIC. IT'S FREE. DON'T STEAL
WEEK'S NUMBERS (April 1, 2004)
by Larry F.O. Dolman
Beards" -- Points Gray
09. "Please Stop Fucking Each Other" -- Country
08. "Sandy" -- Country Teasers
07. "Big Rock Candy Mountain" -- Harry McClintock
06. "Destroyer's The Temple" -- Destroyer
05. "Sharkskin Blues" -- No Doctors
04. "Nekromantik" -- Sabbat
03. "Christmas Meat" -- Dead Raven Choir
02. "More Than A Woman" -- Bee Gees
01. "Police Story" -- Black Flag
10 SONG ROCK BLOCK FROM A MIXTAPE I MADE TO LISTEN TO
by Daniel DiMaggio
Stooges – Loose (Take 3, Complete Funhouse Sessions
box set version)
2. The Necros – IQ32
3. Crass – Big A Little A
4. Non-Phixion – Rock Stars
5. Kool G. Rap – Talk Like Sex (“swinging
with this here stud you need practice, I’m leaving floods
of blood on your mattress”)
6. Smut Peddlers feat. Kool G. Rap – Talk Like Sex pt.
7. Vanity 6 – He’s So Dull
8. The Rolling Stones – Stupid Girl
9. Kim Fowley – Teenage Death Girl (“I confess
that I am the devil, walking around with a silver shovel….
right on bitch!”)
10. Silverhead – Rock N’ Roll Band (“will
you finance my rock n’ roll band? all I wanna do is
YORK vs. MIDWEST: BATTLE ROYALE
by Joe Johnston
10. Town Hall vs. Grande Ballroom
09. Bronx manufactured Bach Stradivarius trumpets vs. those
made in Elkhart, Indiana
08. Goodfellas vs. The Untouchables
07. Theodore Roosevelt vs. Abraham Lincoln
06. Carl Sagan vs. Eugene A. Cernan
05. “New Yorkus” vs. “Motor City Is Burning”
04. Atlantic Ocean vs. The Great Lakes
03. New York Seltzer vs. Faygo
02. UTZ vs. Better Made
01. Sesame Street vs. Bozo’s Big Top
10 SONGS FROM THE (RIDICULOUSLY) COMPLETE JACK JOHNSON SESSIONS
BOX SET BY MILES DAVIS
Willie Nelson (Take 3)
9. The Mask (Part One)
7. Ali (Take 4)
6. Go Ahead John (Part One Remake)
5. Johnny Bratton (Insert 1)
4. Willie Nelson (Insert 2)
3. Go Ahead John (Part Two C)
2. Duran (Take 6)
1. The Mask (Part Two)
10 INFOMERCIALS (ON THIS, THE 20TH ANNIVERARY OF THE INFORMERCIAL)
by Joe Johnston
GLH (Great Looking Hair) Formula Number Nine (it sure looks
like it works)
9. Don Lapree's Money Making System (most non-sensical) 8.
Soloflex (sexiest infomercial EVER)
7. The Little Rascals/Our Gang video set (most use of blackface
gag on televsion today)
6. Bacon Wave microwave bacon cooker (best looking bacon)
5. Bob Barefoot's Coral Calcium (best name for a calcium suppliment)
4. Girls Gone Wild - Doggystyle (most celebrity almost-rapes
captured on video)
3. Backyard Brawling Babes #2 (girls gone wild FOR REAL)
2. The Perfect Pancake System (because who doesn't desire
the perfect pancake?)
1. The Banjo Minnow Lure and Fishing System (most impossible
guarantee..."If you don't catch more fish per trip than
ever before, return it for a full refund.")
TEN INDICATORS THAT TONY RETTMAN IS SLOWLY METAMORPHOSING
INTO CHUCK EDDY
by Tom Smith
1. The author gives neither proof nor indication of which
Mego recording artists were being "fist fucked,"
or which audience members were being "fist fucked"
by Mego recording artists (fess up, Ton'!).
2. Inherent non sequitur regarding attribution of Dylan Nyoukis's
state of mind. Intimates know full well that Dylan's brain
shuts down after four beverages, and all aggressive urges
are subsumed into involuntary defecation after the second.
Far from exhibiting obnoxiousness, Mr. Nyoukis was likely
displaying discomfort from diaper rash.
3. The Magick Markers are, it is often said, purveyors of
"ambient kiddiecore." It is entirely possible that
any pseudo ass kicked was kicked in a manner so bereft of
flourish, so imbued with the essence of understatement, that
Mr. Rettman failed to notice. (Or, it was too dark in the
basement for Elisa to read his list.)
4. This assertion of cancellation cannot be proven. A bias
against "softness" is revealed. A jealousy is loosed.
5. Why did Alan Licht fail to cover "20 Eyes" as
requested by the fat balding loser in the audience? A theory:
given the preponderance of fat balding losers in the audience,
perhaps Mr. Licht was unable to isolate and recognize the
source of the request.
6. A wildly unstable syllogism anchored by a woeful ad hominem.
(And one point of agreement, uncolored by hyperbole: Air Conditioning,
indeed, were impressive. "Amazing" would have required
the ceiling caving in, Vincent Gallo's body crashing into
the basement audience from the floor above, and his torso
ripped into and devoured by the surviving members of the mob.)
Here one must ask Mr. Rettman to identify each of the "gay
ass knitting circles" around which the festival revolved.
Perhaps similar "gay ass knitting circles" revolve
around collectors of recordings by artists as diverse as Probot,
Caravan, and Gordon Lightfoot. Further investigations into
the author's biases are proposed.
7. a) I cannot maintain objectivity and respond to the entirety
of Mr. Rettman's assertion. b) I missed the whole of Rubber-O-Cement's
performance. c) My observations must then be limited to the
performance of the Arthur Doyle Electro-Acoustic Ensemble.
I did not find the performance of the Arthur Doyle Electro-Acoustic
Ensemble to be pointless.
An aside: At No Fun, To Live and Shave in L.A. desired fun.
Many members of the audience, certain of whom are doubtless
fans of Thin Lizzy (or at least are likely able to sing along
with certain sections of the chorus of "The Boys Are
Back in Town") expressed their delight in our performance.
Dissenters did not make their opinions known to us. Pointlessness
would have been best achieved by our: a) fucking sulking,
instead of b) turning the process against itself, i.e., performing
no god-awful noise, which we did not do, and c) spreading
the motherfucking love.
8. One here wonders about any "gay ass knitting circles"
around which the Agnostic Front fan base might revolve.
9. I cannot comment on the assertion. I have not yet been
introduced to any Troubleman Unlimited A&R representatives,
and thus was unable to recognize them with the required certainty
to pass along their signing offer to any founding members
of Iron Cross who may have been in attendance. God knows their
roster is foul enough to support such a risible combo... (As
I only ever knew Sab Grey, however, and would likely be unable
to recognize him today, and seeing as how founding members
of Iron Cross would likely not have been among the audience
members assembled at Northsix in Brooklyn for the No Fun Festival,
this sarcastic aside is utterly bereft of dignity.)
10. Sarcasm beneath the dignity of the author. Aaron Reznor
TEN THINGS I DIDN'T ENJOY ABOUT THE NO FUN FESTIVAL
by Tony Rettman
1. Ironic fist pumping was at an all time
high at the fest, while ironic fist fucking at a saddening
low (Was only practiced by Mego recording artists in attendance)
2. Dylan Nyoukis not quite drunk and obnoxious enough
3. Elisa of The Magick Markers didn't kick enough pseudo aggro/macho
ass. I mean...I gave her a list and everything!
4. Field trip to NYHC Tattoos on the Lower East Side with
Hair Police to get 'I Love Fluffy Bunnies' tattoos was cancelled
due to their drummer (I believe his name was 'Goldy Locks')
skinning his knee
5. Alan Licht's 1970 failed to cover '20 Eyes' as requested
by the fat balding loser in the audience
6. Too many shitbagg types not checking out the amazing Air
Conditioning due to them not being involved in all the gay
ass knitting circles this festival revolved around
7. Sets by Arthur Doyle Electro-Acoustic Ensemble, Rubber-O-Cement
and To Live And Shave In L.A. not pointless enough
8. Carlos Giffoni chastising me for getting 'too aggressive'
in the pit during Hair Police. Sorry man! I had 'Victim In
Pain' playing on my walkman!
9. No one taking the bait to sign to Troubleman Unlimited
for two mid-town bus passes and a coupon for a Caeser Salad
10. Wolf Eyes didn't play my favorite song by them ('Head
Like A Hole')
POST-'HAVING TO DEAL WITH PERPETRATORS
AT THE NO FUN FEST' TOP TEN LIST
by Tony Rettman
Cross -- 'It's A Fight'
2. Faces -- 'Bad 'N' Ruin'
3. Straight Ahead -- 'We Stand'
4. Probot -- 'Shake Your Blood'
5. Sector Four -- 'Plaid Spaceship'
6. Caravan -- 'Winter Wine'
7. Side By Side -- 'The Time Is Now'
8. Thin Lizzy -- 'Romeo And The Lonely Girl'
9. Antidote -- 'Foriegn Job Lot'
10. Gordon Lightfoot -- 'Second Cup Of Coffee'
2" -- Splendor Mystic Solis
09. "Krung Thep Cut-up" -- Sun City Girls
08. "Killer" -- Alice Cooper
07. "Killers" -- Iron Maiden
06. "Govery" -- Arthur Doyle Electro-Accoustic Ensemble
05. "Gucci Time" -- Schooly D
04. "The GHENGIS-Necro-Nama-KHAN" -- Sun City Girls
03. "The Ill-Fitting Tourniquet" -- Pengo
02. "Cracked Swanreans" -- Scissor Girls
01. "Too Young To Fall In Love" -- Mötley Crüe
10 BLUES ALBUMS CURRENTLY MAKING ME RECONSIDER MY RELIGION
by Joe Johnston (Uranium City Records)
Hendrix - Blues
09. Son House - Revisited
08. Skip James - Hard Time Killing Floor Blues
07. Muddy Waters - Folk Singer
06. Son House - The Complete Library of Congress Sessions
05. Skip James - The Complete Recordings 1930-1931
04. Muddy Waters - More Real Folk Blues
03. Muddy Waters - Electric Mud
02. Son House - At Home: The Legendary Rochester, N.Y. Recordings
01. Skip James - The Complete Bloomington, Indiana Concert
THE BLUES RIFFS . . .
(10 MORE TRACKS OF SOME NOTES, 2/27/04)
by Larry "Fuzz-O" Dolman
Banda" -- Reynols
"Better End In Time" -- Azita
08. "Midnight Rider" -- Allman Brothers Band
07. "Krautrock" -- Conrad Schnitzler
06. "Disaster in the Sun" -- Weakling
05. "Phobia" -- Outkast
04. "Jimmy James" -- Beastie Boys
03. "Kingdom Hall" -- The Story of Failure
02. "Train to Nowhere" -- Savoy Brown
01. "Give Me Back My Wig" -- Hound Dog Taylor &
PROPOSED GREG KIHN ALBUMS
the Usual Gang of Idiots
01. Kihn't Stop Now
02. Dazed and Kihnfused
03. The Kihnterbury Tales
04. Amerikhin Pie (something
with "Amerikihn" anyway)
05. Kihntemporaries (all covers, Kihn doing songs
by peers in the biz such as Marshall Crenshaw, Donnie Iris,
Dwight Twilley, Bryan Adams, etc.)
06. Adult Kihntemporary (R-rated soul songs)
07. Kunta Kihnte (a heartfelt historical rock opera
based on Alex Haley's Roots, incorporating authentic
field holler recordings)
08. Kihndergarten (concept: children's songs)
BANDS I GOT INTO LAST YEAR THAT GO OVER LIKE A WET FART WHEN
MENTIONED IN POLITE COMPANY
by C. M. Bligablum
10. Iron Maiden
09. Janis Ian
08. Judas Priest
07. Bee Gees
06. Tangerine Dream
04. Chicago (surprisingly, there's little love for Chicago
in Chicago . . .)
03. Bob Welch-era Fleetwood Mac
01. Steely Dan
BANDS I GOT INTO LAST YEAR THAT BRING OUT THE HIGH-FIVES WHEN
MENTIONED IN POLITE COMPANY (NOTE OVERLAP WITH LIST ABOVE
. . . GUESS IT JUST DEPENDS ON THE COMPANY YOU KEEP)
also by C. M. Bligablum
10. Van Der Graaf
09. Iron Maiden
08. Judas Priest
07. Aphrodite's Child
06. Alice Cooper
05. Thin Lizzy
04. Uriah Heep
03. Captain Beyond
02. Stevie Wonder
RETTMAN'S 'BEFORE 1974' TOP 10 (AS OF 2/10/04)
1. Yes-'America' (Single edit) (I've been
indulging in this one quite a bit, which means there's been
plenty of wet hankies around here. What they're wet with I
won't tell you WHO-AHH. Keith Levene, write in and testify!)
2. Neutrons-'Northern Midnght' (This tune actually came out
in '75, but it's not like any of you faggs would know that.)
3. Gravy Train-'Won't Talk About It' (I remember back in the
day Coley dissing on Gravy Train in an issue of Forced Exposure.
Of course at the time, I had no idea what he was on about.
But now, I just gotta say HUH?)
4. Legend-'Cross Country' (A smoke, a coffee and this tune
in the morning is all you need. Trust me.)
5. Rare Bird-'Nature's Fruit' (I've never paid attention to
Rare Bird for the longest time due to this annoying deviled
ham of a Psych/Prog record collector who'd always go on about
them. But due to some rather enlightening video footage I
saw of them this summer over at Sienko's estate, I figured
I better catch up. Although they can lay out the UK Prog bombast
something sweet, this tune sounds like it coulda been thrown
on the 2nd Traffic lp. A real groover you kaftaan wearing
6. Spontaneous Combustion-'Spaceship' (Two words...FUCK YEAH.)
7. Ben-'Christmas Execution' (Totally fried UK Jazz/Prog moves
from '71. Recently re-ished on Akarma. Do it up.)
8. Quatermass-'Black Sheep Of The Family' (This tune is certainly
not as cool as the cover that adorns it, but it's still a
good dumbo groover.)
9. Tony Hazzard-'Abbot Of The Vale' (Great drum sound and
just an amazing song that shoulda made Tony a household name.
Instead, he just made duckets off the tunes he wrote for Peter
Noone (Straight Edge icon Tim McMahon's favorite UK 60's pop
star) and Graham Nash. I guess that's not that bad of a set
10. Climax Blues Band-'You Make Me Sick' (I was pretty blown
away when I heard this track. Although early CBB's sound promising
in theory, they're pretty blah. But this tune is worth buying
the lp it comes on ('Rich Man') for a buck. Sorta a cross
'tween 'Sell Out' era Beefheart and UK Glam stomping. A real
cracker my lord. Makes you totally forget about that 45 of
'Walking Through The Park' (or whatever the fuck that song
was called) your sister made you sit through for hours on
end on your parents stereo.)
Oh yeah, and they're all brit tunes too...my
stereotypical legend lives on!!!
FREAK, OR SOUL SINGER?
(10 MORE JAMS OF SOME NOTE, 2/11/04)
by Larry "Fuzz-O" Dolman
10. "Friend of the Devil" -- Grateful Dead
09. "Skin of Rivers" -- Charalambides
08. "Song To Comus" -- Comus
07. "Lay Lady Lay" -- Bob Dylan
06. "Hegemonium" -- Proto-Kaw
05. "Everybody Needs Somebody" -- 13th Floor Elevators
04. "The Return of Ruebezahl" / "Eye-Shaking
King" -- Amon Düül 2
03. "Reopening" -- Azita
02. "Departure of the Boats" -- Azita
01. "Manisero Mufuso" -- Reynols
SONGS HEARD IN DOLMAN MANOR ON 1/30/04
by Larry "Rocking" Dolman
Nativity" -- Gentle Giant
09. "Wheels of Steel" -- Saxon
08. "Electrocute Your Cock" -- Vom
07. "Ascent" -- John Coltrane
06. "Cocaine Blues" -- Heldon
05. "Moo Rah Rah Rain" -- Campfire Songs
04. "A Taut Whirling" -- A.M.
03. "The First Subtle Cabinet" -- Angus Maclise
02. "Thunder Cut" -- Angus Maclise
01. "Chest Fever" -- The Band
GREAT CONCEPT ALBUMS NEAR THE TOP 10
by Joe Johnston (Uranium
o Marvin Gaye,
“What’s Going On” (1971)
Omitting the question mark after the title made this a soul
statement on what was going on…hot summertime sweaty
race Vietnam War drug abused poverty rioting. You can hear
the hopeless tension in Detroit. Listen to the long lost,
far grittier original Detroit mix to further drive the point
home: the Funk Brothers seem to be exorcising the year’s
demons. It asked no questions and offered little in the way
of answers, but it told it like Cronkite.
o Neil Young, “Trans”
Ill-received upon release, it was revealed later that Neil
was trying to make a statement on the seemingly impossible
notion of communication with his cerebral palsy ridden son.
The vocoder muddied the lyrics beyond recognition, but listening
from the standpoint of trying to teach a paraplegic boy who’s
never spoken or heard sounds lends the record a tragic quality
rare for ‘80s synth music.
o Modern Mandolin
Quartet, “The Nutcracker Suite” (1991)
It’s tradition for lists like these to confuse the issue,
and this may be my Japanese intentional flaw, but it may not.
Windham Hill?!?!?!?!?!?! But for the last 12 years nothing
has said post-Thanksgiving/pre-Christmas to me more than this
album, featuring not only the Tchaikovsky piece but Winter
from Vivaldi’s “Four Seasons,” Mozart’s
“The Magic Flute” and a new piece by Edgar Meyer
called “Winter’s Chill.” It’s straightforward,
pretty, string-quartet styled classic compositions, and it’s
a conceptual masterpiece.
o Muddy Waters,
“Electric Mud” (1968)
All the blues purists hate this record above all others. It’s
basically Muddy Waters running through his classics and a
few new songs with a new band featuring Pete Cosey, Phil Upchurch
and other young brash musicians. They say it was Chess Records'
attempt at selling more albums to Muddy’s new white
rock and roll audience by lumbering him with a younger psychedelic
rock band. In saying so, though, they reduce this album to
the worst possible cultural stereotyped low: Marshall Chess
as the greedy Jew plantation owner and Muddy as the “Yessir,
Massah” dumb nigger who had no power over his own career.
HAVE THEY HEARD THE ALBUM? Muddy’s scorched-Earth baritone
is ten times more passionate on these renditions of his classics
than on HIS OWN originals! You can’t fake that sort
of singing…it comes from deep within. And Chess didn’t
care that much about the money…what they wanted was
for Muddy to make more money because the blues purists had
already bought all the 78s and LPs and weren’t helping
feed Muddy’s family. In any event, it’s been sort
of rediscovered and you should hear it if you haven’t
and The Dominos, “Layla And Other Assorted Love Songs
What’s the best way to deal with the fact that you’re
madly and passionately in love with your best friend’s
wife? Change your name from Eric to Derek and record this
set of creakingly mad rock songs. People often talk of how
soft and commercial and lame Clapton is, and they usually
except Cream. But they never seem to bring this album up.
Do we forget it was Clapton because it’s SO FUCKING
GOOD AND ROCKS SO FUCKING HARD? Perhaps. “Do you want
to see me crawl across the floor? Do you want to hear me beg
you to take me back? I DON’T WANT TO FADE AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Nearly brings me to tears every time I hear it. Atta boy,
Slowhand. Wish you’d kept it up.
Who, "Quadrophenia" (1973)
This makes the list instead of Tommy because it ROCKS THE
FUCK OUT. Some of the best songs of coming of age ever written...I
wish I had heard it when I was a young man but sadly missed
out until last Christmas. It avoids the tendency of most rock
operas to royally suck for the last 5 minutes (like "The
o Neil Young and
Crazy Horse, "Greendale" (2003)
The most contemporary album to make the list, it is a rocking
collection of story songs that may or may not intertwine to
create a larger image. I don't think they are intended to...I
think it's a lot of "Powderfinger" type songs that
happen to center around a select group of folks in a select
town. You could make a case Young is trying to say something
important, but I think he rebuts that case with the line "I
got a new song to sing...it's longer than all the others combined,
and it doesn't mean a thing." Mostly it rocks, and I
love Young's new Little Walter amplified harmonica blues sensibility.
Only he can away with lines like “There was a helicopter
flying over your place/when I talked to your neighbor Kyle.”
o Ice-T and Body
Count, "Cop Killer"
"Who gave those fucking niggers...those rock guitars?!?!?!?!?!?!"
And more importantly, why didn't they do so sooner? I love
this album...no need to read between the lines, just read
the lines. Take all your dejected 14 year old noise and emo
fans and lump them into a stadium and make them listen to
"KKK Bitch" and they'll lighten up and start doing
o Peter Brotzmann,
Toshinori Kondo, William Parker and Hamid Drake, "Die
Like A Dog: Fragments of Music, Life and Death of Albert Ayler"
This makes the list because it made a concept out of free
form improvisation. Runner up is Derek Bailey's "Ballads."
Having never heard Ayler before he started recording, Brotzmann
still makes a wonderful eulogy to his American counterpart.
Lucier, "I Am Sitting In A Room"
To confuse the issue and hopefully spark debate.
10 NICKNAMES GIVEN BY THE PRESIDENT
by T. Quincy Fitzhume
08. Mumbly Joe
04. Sweet Cheeks
02. Dick "Chain Reaction" Cheney
01. Major League Asshole
NOTE: I've got one too! True story, a co-worker of mine was
a rising politician in Iowa a few years ago, and he's also
a leukemia survivor. He and our current president met at an
Iowa fundraiser for leukemia research. Bush admired him for
his success against the disease, and took to calling him "LEUKEMIA
MAN!" I capitalize it and add an explanation point because
my co-worker said that Bush would shout it out whenever he
saw him. -- Larry "Fuzz-O" Dolman
"CHAIN REACTION" CHENEY'S 10 FAVORITE INSTRUMENTS
by T. Quincy Fitzhume
09. Pump-action shot gun
08. Hired goons
07. A deep hole
05. Long spear brought back from recent trip to Africa
04. "A cold .45 on the back of a squeeler's neck"
03. "Testicle Ripping" Pliers from Home Depot
02. Mace with gold chain
01. Yelling, "drown him in oil, boys!" while chomping
on a cigar.
Info: I smoked pot with Dick's second cousin Dave. No kidding!
10 BANDS I HAVEN'T LISTENED TO, BUT AM SURE SUCK
by Sir Reggie Queequeg
The Unicorns -- About two summers ago unicorn shirts
were popular amongst the weird dressing art student types.
I have no problem with this crowd, they are usually friendly
and dance. I have a feeling this band is some twee kids who
stand there and sing cutesy songs, and the audience is all
"moved by the spirituality," like at this one Microphones
show I was at. Seriously, I am all for people dressing however
they want, but these kids looked SOOOO bad. My friend told
me that if I ever visited Portland I'd probably
9. The Polyphonic Spree -- I have only heard this on tv, and
the song's a total Flaming Lips rip-off. If you have a voice
extremely similar to someone else's, maybe you should try
and do a different style of music then them. Oh yeah, this
list is bands I haven't 'listened to', not 'heard', bands
can count if I only heard a snippet on tv. Oh, I figured out
why I hate it so much, it's too quirky! Same reason I didn't
last Lips album. This reductionist music logic of Larry's
makes reviewing a snap!
8. The Stills -- Because they are on Vice Records, and the
label put out an album called YES NEW YORK! And it features
the Strokes, The Walkmen, The Rapture, and is advertised "the
post-punk/art-garage rock explosion in New York City is breathing
new life, new style, and a new attitude into music."
It doesn't look like the Stills are on this release, but your
Stred Cred has gone out the door with me, Vice! It doesn't
matter how many lines of cocaine you snort off your
"Metrocard", whatever that is, you are hereby declared
7. REO Speedwagon -- I know they completely suck, and have
heard their songs before, but literally remember NOTHING of
them. I guess I don't have that much to write about them,
I just didn't want to fill the entire list up with "the"
bands, it seems cheap
6. A.F.I. -- I read a review of one of their shows in the
Local Mainstream Newspaper, and the reviewer said they sounded
like Styx! That sounded like it could be cool, I actually
like Styx's hit songs, even if they are cheesy. Then I read
another review that said they were pretty emo sounding. It
is funny how emo bands always deny that they are emo, but
whenever you hear that about a band, it's ALWAYS true.
5. The Wisdom of Harry -- it's some new Matador band,
remember how many awesome bands they used to have on
that label? Unsane, Thinking Fellers, Bardo Pond? All of them
long gone...except Bardo, I guess they only left like a year
ago or something. You're no Thinking Fellers, Wisdom of Harry,
why don't you just give up?
4. Kingsbury Manx -- For this one I just went to Magnet magazine's
website, and took a name from the front cover. I bet they
play guitar pop, and are all really nice people.
3. Dream Theater -- I've only heard bands inspired by Dream
Theater, and shit, it's some of the WIMPIEST music I've heard
in my life. One time this guy wanted to fight my buddy Tom,
because Tom wouldn't say that Dream Theater played with "emotion".
"It doesn't sound like any emotion I've ever had!"
Later, the guy's friend apologized, saying "he's the
best guitarist I've heard in my life, but he has a huge
cocaine problem!" Hey, another blow reference, what
is this, Vice Magazine?
2. The Darkness -- Only heard a little bit of this song, they
are supposed to be the new Hair Metal Heroes of the Rock Revival
or something, but they sound like Poison mixed with Weezer.
Oh yeah, and Derogatis, rock crit from my number one shittiest
band, put their bass player on his Artist of the Year.
1. Vortis -- Oh my God, their website is called "vortisrock.com"
So you know they rock! And their album is called "God
Won't Bless America"? And the drummer is a super fat
rock critic who doesn't like Wolf Eyes? And your name means
"The Point of Maximum Energy"? Congradulations Vortis.
You are the number one
band on this list.
10 RADICAL RIGHT WING ROCKERS AND THEIR PET ISSUES
by T. Quincy Fitzhume
Fellow, NASH-CATO Institute
St. Germain (L) Minneapolis, MN Issue: Guns
09. Steven Tyler (I) Boston, MA Issue: Washington Pork
08. LL Cool J (R) New York Issue: Medicare
07. Nellie (I) St. Louis, MO Issue: Immigration
06. David Grubbs (R) Chicago, IL Issue: Abortion
05. Har Mar Superstar (R) St. Paul, MN Issue: Welfare Reform/$$$
04. Jack White (R) Harper Woods, MI Issue: $$$
03. Tyrese (R) Hollywood, CA Issue: $$$
02. James Hetfield (R) Downey, CA Issue: $$$
01. Bono (L) Dublin, UK Issue: Third World Debt Relief
TOP 10 BEERS (WITH #10 BEING THE BEST)
by Chris Moon (Last Visible Dog, MCMS, Yermo)
1. Pilsner Urquell
2. Blue Moon Wheat
3. Sam Adam's Weise Bier
4. Long Trail Ale's Black "bear"-y wheat ale (a
seasonal from Vermont)
5. The Optimator
6. Arrogant Bastard's Stone: Old Guardian Barely Wine-Style
Ale (may substitute with Affligem, Delirium tremens or Gulden
7. The Celebrator (comes with toy rams!)
8. Ipswitch's Porter
9. Sam Smith's Oatmeal Stout (far superior to any of their
other products with the exception of their superb organic
10. Trinity Brew House's Russian Imperial Stout (only available
by Ben Chasny (Six Organs of Admittance, Plague Lounge, Badgerlore,
The F You Two, Comets on Fire)
The Baby Huey Story - The Living Legend
2. Cale/Riley - Church of Anthrax
3. Bud Light
4. The Lowdown - Y Is A Crooked Letter
5. Peter Lamborn Wilson
6. Live Hendrix
7. Dylan - Blood on the Tracks NYC sessions
8. Fahey/Kottke/Drake - the father, son & holy ghost of
9. Van Morrison
10. Rick & Bohemian Books in Arcata California
10 SOUNDS ROCKING THE CRITTBO ESTATES AS OF 12/11/03
by Tony Rettman
Bozzone-'Bloodstained Butterflies' CD (Self Released, 2003)
2. Urban Waste-12" Re-issue (Mad At The World, 1983/2003)
3. Mickey Newbury-'Frisco Mabel Joy' lp (Elektra, 1971)
4. Barnacled-'Table No. 12" 7" (White Denim, 2003)
5. Jimmy Campbell-'Half Baked' lp (Vertigo, 1971)
6. Plastic Crimewave Sound-'Flashing Open' lp (Eclipse, 2003)
7. Neil Campbell And Rob Heyler-'In Luck' CDR (Fencing Flatworm,
8. Banco-lp (Manticore, 1975)
9. Double Leopards-'Halve Maen' Double lp (Eclipse, 2003)
10. The Shins-'Chutes Too Narrow' CD (Sub Pop, 2003)
10 MOST VALUABLE PLAYERS FOR THE CHICAGO CUBS IN THE 2003
NATIONAL LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES VS. THE FLORIDA MARLINS,
IN ORDER OF VALUE (WRITTEN AFTER AMARIS RAMIREZ'S GRAND SLAM
IN GAME 4 WHEN IT LOOKED LIKE THEY HAD IT TOTALLY WRAPPED
UP AND THEY HAD NOT YET STARTED THEIR INEVITABLE CURSÉD
by Larry "Fuzz-O" Dolman
1. Mark Prior. The Rock, on which the team's confidence rests,
2. Kerry Wood. 2nd most valuable simply because he takes some
of the pressure of Prior. In any series against the Cubs,
Kerry Wood represents the second probable loss to go with
Prior's first. That pressure looms throughout the series,
even in Game 3, which Wood could not get a grip on and had
to leave early. He did not pitch well, but he was still tough
as hell, and the Cubs still won because the threat somehow
still held, even through a parade of anonymous relievers.
(Kyle Farnsworth! Joe Borowski! Eric Renlinger!)
3. Kenny Lofton. This guy just rules. Whenever Angel and I
see an instant replay close-up of him out there kicking ass,
we like to imagine him as a guy who never says a word on the
field or even off, just kicks ass. His game is that smooth.
Remember how he reacted when the ump ruled that he didn't
catch that one ball against Atlanta that he totally did? He
didn't say a word, and he was right, because the Cubs won
the series anyway. Kids, that's called sportsmanship, and
you can do it too . . . if you're good enough. And, Lofton
is the guy that scores most of the Cubs' runs, because he's
always on base when Sosa and Aleu and Ramirez are up.
4. Sammy Sosa. It's tough to be the star,
especially when you strikeout big almost as often as you hit
big, but Slammin' Sammy has not let us down, and his defense
has been top-notch too.
5, 6. TIE, Aramis Ramirez and Randall Simon. Maybe I should
just put these guys as a tie for number one. I can't believe
they got these guys and Kenny Lofton from the Pirates
this season. Like a banner at Wrigley Field said: "Thanks
Pittsburgh!" Who can forget Ramirez's amazing first inning
grand slam in Game 4, or Simon's two-run monster that put
the Cubs up 4-3 late in Game 2? Props also go to Randall Simon's
amazing "bad ball" hitting skills -- you cannot
walk this guy, he'll swing at anything. If you don't throw
him a meatball he'll hit foul balls all night until you're
ready. They've both been very solid in the field as well.
7. Moises Aleu. The Rock, part two. Stoic like Robert Parrish.
8. Damian Miller. Weak at the plate, but not behind it. This
guy was so steady at catching throughout the series that most
people probably didn't even notice it. (And props go to Paul
Karo, who rotated at catcher, almost as invisibly as Miller,
but that's really props to Dusty Baker, for his skill at utilizing
9. Alex Gonzales. This home run king could be the #4 man for
a lot of Major League teams, but for the Cubs he bats seventh.
What was I just saying about the threat of the longball maintained
practically throughout the whole nine? [Even #9 hitter Kerry
Wood hit a home run in Game 9.]
10. This could be a few different people. Why not Matt Clement?
Mainly for the weird beard -- gotta have at least a little
bit of freaky styley on the team somewhere. Plus he pitched
really well in Game 4, his performance overshadowed by Ramirez's
grand slam, and his own oddly invisible Damian Miller-like
invisibility.I know, I know, my Top 10 is biased towards the
pitching squad, but that's just how important the pitching
job is. Or, why not give it to [???] Glanville, who I'd never
heard of before and whose full name I already can't recall,
incredibly pinch-hitting a game-winning triple in the [once-pivotal]