TOP TEN LISTS

TOP TEN FAVORITE TIMES OF THE DAY

BY M. TURNER/ WARMER MILKS

10. 8:30P
9. 7:20P
8. 2:30P
7. 4:20P
6. 10:00A
5. 9:20A
4. 5:00P
3. 6:45P
2. 9:45P
1. 12:00P

TOP 10 SONGS OF 2006 (WAYZTED)
by Reggie Queequeg

10. KanYe West "Gone" Totally nuts jam, Jon Brion's
style is all over this one, the raps are pretty good,
especially Cam'ron's (totally looks weird typing that
out, so many "'"s) but I keep getting distracted by
the strings and piano.

9. Nautical Almanac "Try It 2wice" Nautical does a
Harry Pussy style song...kind of. Wasn't Adris a
member for a minute or something? Anyways, Max's
drumming is nuts (and sampled too, I am pretty sure),
and there's a violin doing the screaming parts.
Comparable to HP, sure, but it's totally NA style
circa right now. They are at the top of their game.

8. Excepter "(The Ass)" Sooooo stoooooned.
weeeeeoooooo weeeeeeeahhhh weeeeeeeeooooo weeeeeeahhhh then some bird chirps! Contrary to what my editor claims, The Ass would be a good song title even without the parenthesis. What is wrong with that guy? I suppose he thinks Smog is a better band now that they are called (smog)? That's stupid.

7. Wolf Eyes "Human Animal" Totally sick. I am talking
about the version from Wolf Eyes and Prurient's "The
Warriors" album, I think their next album on Sub Pop
will be called Human Animal, so hopefully there'll be
another version of the song on there. It's super
loose and free, more in the mode of Desert of Glue, or
whatever that one song was called.

6. Bon Jovi "Have A Nice Day" It is good to see that
Bon Jovi still don't care about what people say about
them. They do things their own way! I also really
like how the album cover is maybe the worst album
cover ever, unless it was designed by one of the band
member's young children or something. That's cool, to
let your 4 year old make an album cover. The video of
this song is amazing, the Bon Jovi "street team" goes
around town putting up stickers of this slightly
rebelious picture, and it FREAKS OUT THE SQUARES,
maaan! But seriously, I like the melody of this song,
just like I liked their last hit.

5. Prurient "Sorry Robin" Another song that is like a
tribute to Harry Pussy! Drum attack! Insane!

4. Animal Collective "Grass" "I was smoking on feet
just like my father"? I think that is what the guy is
saying. Good song. Also, I thought it would be funny
to put Prurient between Bon Jovi and Animal
Collective, as a passive agressive way of revenge on
the time he kicked my ass. (even though that was my
fault)

3. Lexie Mountain "untitled" Or maybe self titled, her
side of the split tape with Abuelo Hongo is totally
nutz and features a tarot reading. I am too drunk to
describe the whole tape right now, but I will review
it soon.

2. Juelz Santana "Murda Murda" Jeez, Juelz is nutz!
Starts off with a reggae sample, then the chorus goes
"murdamurdamurdamurdamurdamurda" with a bunch of
noises on top of each other. Totally reminds me of
mid period Wolf Eyes. Cam'ron guests on this one too!

1. (Red Hot) Old Mose "Male Man" He is selling some
tamales, and they sound very good (and hot!) The
highlight of the song is whenever he yells
"WHOOOOOOOMMM!!!! MALE MAN!!!!! The guitar line is
perfect, and completely unconnected to the vocals.
From American Primitive Vol 2.

IF I WERE ON A DOLE QUEUE IN ENGLAND IN 1981, THESE ARE THE TOP TEN TUNES I WOULD HAVE ON THE MIX TAPE PLAYING IN MY WALKMAN

TOP 9 MOST ROCK'N'ROLL SONG TITLES ON BLACK SABBATH'S BORN AGAIN LP
by Staff

01. "Trashed"
02. "Stonehenge"
03. "Disturbing the Priest"
04. "The Dark"
05. "Zero the Hero"
06. "Digital Bitch"
07. "Born Again"
08. "Hot Line"
09. "Keep it Warm"

BEST WEIRD ALBUMS OF 2005
01. Warmer Milks Penetration Initials
02. (TIE) Alvarius B Blood Operatives on the Barium Sunset / Uncle Jim Superstars of Greenwich Meantime / all Sublime Frequencies
03. Various Artists Invisible Pyramid: Elegy Box
04. Burning Star Core Mes Soldats Stupides
05. Renato Rinaldi Hoarse Frenzy
06. Astral Social Club #5 / Vibracathedral Orchestra Smash! Smash! Smash!
07.
08. Hair Police Drawn Dead
09. Sapat 'Tour CDR' (cow on an envelope)
10. (TIE) Number None Nervous Climates / Miminokoto Orange Garage / Devillock These Graves / Panther Skull Slothwave / Mudboy This Is Folk Music

BEST REISSUE: Red Hash!

BEST OF 2004
by "Timely" Larry Dolman

01. No Doctors "ERP Saints"
02. Tower Recordings "The Galaxies and the Sensual Transmission of....."
03. Six Organs of Admittance "School of the Flower"
04. Chinaboise "The Greatest Story Ever Told"
05. Loren Mazzacane Connors/Christina Carter "Meditation on the Ascension of Blind Joe Death, Part 1"
06. Jessica Rylan "New Secret"
07. To Live and Shave in L.A. "God and Country Rally!"
08. Monoshock "Runnin' Backwards From the Ape-like Superman"
09. Zelienople "Sleeper Coach"
10. all Sublime Frequencies from 2004

TOP 10 SONGS I SAT IN THE CAR AND LISTENED TO IN THEIR ENTIRETY WHEN THEY CAME ON THE RADIO THIS WEEKEND RATHER THAN -- A) GO INSIDE MY SISTER'S HOUSE OR B) GO INTO WAWA'S AND BUY COFFEE AND/OR BEER
by Tony Rettman

**** Worthy of two mentions you axe?..If you feel the need to utter such a statement, please go suckle like a new born...

TOP 10 BEST LYRICS/LINES ON THE 1st GENERATION X LP (BOTH THE U.S. & U.K. VERSION)
by Tony Rettman

LARRY DOLMAN HIT PARADE
2/05/05
(this is not a year-end list)

TOP 10 TRACKS
01. "It's Alright Ma, I'm Only Bleeding" -- Bob Dylan
02. "Move Me on Down the Line" -- ZZ Top
03. "Bank Roll" -- Tim Trees
04. "You Are Legend" -- Burning Star Core
05. "Patriarcat" -- Areski & Brigitte Fontaine
06. "Chimacum Rain" -- Linda Perhacs
07. "Små lätta moln" -- Pugh Rogefeldt
08. "If You See Her Say Hello" (bootleg series volume 3 version, incredible) -- Bob Dylan
09. "She's A Killer" -- Gutters
10. "[Bride of Organ Grinder track one]" -- Devillock

TOP 10 NEW ALBUMS
01. Little Howlin Wolf 7"s, vol 1
02. Astral Social Club Vol. 1
03. Rad Kjetil and The Loving Eye of God s/t
04. Folk and Pop Sounds of Sumatra Vol. 2 (SF018)
05. Harmika Yab-Yum: Folk Sounds of Nepal (SF017)
06. xex group:xex (reissue)
07. Avarus Jättiläisrotta
08. Jack Wright Solo Up For Grabs
09. Yuma Nora Red Train Graphing the Sunset of All
10. Master Musicians of Bukkake The Visible Sign of the Invisible Order

TOP 10 OLD ALBUMS
01. Jorge Mautner Para Iluminar a Cidade
02. Pugh Rogefeldt Ja a Da Da
03. Jan Dukes De Grey Mice And Rats In The Loft
04. Sergius Golowin Lord Krishna von Goloka
05. Mountain Bus Sundance
06. Bob Dylan Blood on the Tracks*
07. Bob Dylan New Morning
08. Various Artists A Christmas Gift For You From Phil Spector
09. Suicide s/t 1st*
10. Deviants Ptooff!*

*Getting into Obviousville here, not to mention the township of No Particular Order.

TOP 10 OTHER THINGS
01. winter
02. NOISE! Th' anti-blog. (nodoctors.com/etc.html)
03. all Werner Herzog always
04. d.a. levy
05. White Tapes
06. Videodrome (Criterion Collection DVD)
07. Crossing the Rubicon by Michael C. Ruppert
08. James Williamson's guitar on Raw Power & demos
09. East Rogers Park
10. the many wonderful Thai restaurants of Chicago, Illinois (Indie Cafe, Penny's, Roong, Thai Oscar, Thai Lagoon, Thai Valley, to name just a few, and of course Arun's if you're a millionaire.....)

10 MORE TRACKS
01. "[Bride of Organ Grinder track two]" -- Devillock
02. "Unknown / Unknown / Tari Minang" -- Folk and Pop Sounds of Sumatra Vol. 2 (SF018)
03. "Pumpkin Seeds" -- Devendra Banhart
04. "[all tracks untitled and great]" -- Astral Social Club
05. "R.R. Chicken" -- Crawlspace
05. "Medication, My She-Bowels!" -- To Live And Shave In L.A.
06. "Bob Supeter Polka" -- Little Howlin Wolf
07. "Hoda's Shanty" -- Little Howlin Wolf
08. "Stranger Mon" -- Little Howlin Wolf
09. "An Eternity In Obscurity" -- Berg Sans Nipple
10. "There Is No Law In Nature" -- Crawlspace

TOP 10 SPINS AT DOLMAN FAMILY NIGHT (1/05/05, Omaha NE, 15 inches of snow outside)
10. "Annie's Song" -- John Denver
09. "Thank God I'm A Country Boy" -- John Denver
08. "Depending On You" -- Doobie Bros.
07. "What A Fool Believes" -- Doobie Bros.
06. "Love Is Alright Tonight" -- Rick Springfield
05. "Reelin' in the Years" -- Steely Dan
04. "My Old School" -- Steely Dan
03. "Candyman" -- Grateful Dead
02. "I'm On Fire" -- Bruce Springsteen
01. "Deacon Blues" -- Steely Dan

TOP 10 STARS OF THE STAGE & SCREEN THAT HAIL FROM THE STATE OF NEBRASKA
01. Marlon Brando
02. Johnny Carson
03. Fred Astaire
04. Henry Fonda
05. James Coburn
06. Montgomery Clift
07. Dick Cavett
08. the dude who played Bernie in the Weekend at Bernie's films
09. Nick Nolte
10. Chris Klein (memorable in American Pie and Election)

01. "Iron Man" -- Black Sabbath
02. "Down By The River" -- Neil Young & Crazy Horse
03. "Powderfinger" -- Neil Young & Crazy Horse
04. "Black Dog" -- Led Zeppelin
05. "Highway to Hell" -- AC/DC
06. "Train Kept A Rollin" -- Aerosmith
07. "Low Spark of High Heeled Boys" -- Traffic
08. "Kid Charlemagne" -- Steely Dan
09. "Going to California" -- Led Zeppelin
10. "Fool in the Rain" -- Led Zeppelin

TOP 10 BEST SUN CITY GIRLS ALBUMS
by Larry Dolman

My recommendations, anyway, whatever they may be worth, with #1 being the most recommended, in descending order of essentiality. Subject to change without notice.

01. Torch of the Mystics (Majora LP, 1989; Tupelo CD, 1993). It's the obvious choice, but it really is a perfect introduction, a collection of short songs so catchy that almost anyone will sit and listen to it. There's none of the gratuitous vicious improv that SCG usually includes in order to keep The 99 Percent Nation (a/k/a "The Norms") at bay, but it's still deeply loaded with layers of scorch and baffle that reveal themselves slowly and continuously over time.
02. 330,003 Crossdressers From Beyond The Rig Veda (Abduction 2CD, 1996; Locust 3LP, 2002). Not just for the music, which is all amazing, but for the sheer girth. From Pan-Asian pop to gamelan music to soundtrack music to heavy downer folk ("CCC"!) to 33 minute improvs with heavy metal violin, the most Sun City Girls variety you'll get on any one release (including Box of Chameleons).
03. Sun City Girls (Placebo LP, 1984). The self-titled debut LP from 20 years ago still sounds astonishingly up-to-the-minute.
04. Horse Cock Phepner (Placebo LP/CS, 1987). Maybe this should go higher on the list. Maybe this should just be #1. If you get a chance, listen to it. You'll see what I mean, and it's so much more than just the dirty jokes, even though the smut of "Nancy Reagan" makes it my personal favorite song ever about U.S. politics. (Lately I've been thinking of it as "Laura Bush," with the role of Mr. T played by Kobe Bryant and/or Michael Jackson, but that's probably just a phase.)
05. Kaliflower (Abduction CD/LP, 1994). Much smaller than Crossdressers, but somehow almost as varied, featuring the all-time classic introduction "X+Y=Fuck You" (put that on your K-Tel novelty rap compilation), an incredible 1990 live-in -Chicago version of "The Venerable Song," the Atlantean/Venusian Frankie Valli (Frankie Kali?) drum circle gospel tune "So The Dead Tongues Sang," coupla sweet VU-type jams, and even more.
06. Alvarius B (Abduction 2LP, 1998). Maybe this shouldn't be on here, as it's not actually a Sun City Girls album. But it's such a piece of work that the world should know. This is an album of almost forty songs written and performed solo by Alan Bishop, just his voice and acoustic guitar and lyrical imagery taking you down increasingly creepy paths of allusion, satire, filth, and paranoia.
07. Dante's Disneyland Inferno (Abduction 2CD, 1996; Locust 3LP, 2002). Like the Alvarius B album, I list it not so much for being a Sun City Girls album as I do because it's a work of art that simply cannot go unmentioned. It's almost (but not quite) literature instead of music. Every track is a different window on some sort of psychological malice or horror, the blinds raised almost entirely by the texts/readings of (SCG drummer) Charles Gocher. Set pieces, one-act plays, surrealist skits, campfire songs, evil nursery rhymes, invocations, rants, poems, dream narratives, creepy uncles, malicious neighbors, songs, and more, for 139 minutes, with the perfect cinematic musical accompaniment throughout.
08. Bright Surroundings, Dark Beginnings (Majora LP, 1993; Majora CD, 1998). Side one is the 'definitive studio version' of "The Venerable Song." Side two is split evenly into two cuts, both heavy psychedelic red torch light jams. One of their most straight-faced albums besides Torch, and their best album of 'long cuts.' (i.e. Dawn of the Devi LP, Live From Planet Boomerang 2LP.)
09. Libyan Dream (Cloaven CS, 1993; Abduction CD, 2001). This is the album that is most like Torch of the Mystics. But then again, it's different . . . for example, Torch has no 'long cuts,' and Dream ends with a 'long cut' (15 min.) that sounds like Wah without the wah. And the Amboy Dukes cover just blazes.
10. The Dreamy Draw (Abduction CD, 2000). This emerged as a fan favorite from the not-always-quite-this-essential Carnival Folklore Resurrection series, presumably for its distinctly hushed bell-tone quietude, sustained throughout, living up to the dreamy album title (the name of a well-known dam and recreation area in Phoenix, AZ). The most thoroughly gentle SCG release, by far.

ALSO TRY NOT TO MISS: Carnival Folklore Resurrection #11/12 (Carnival Folklore Resurrection Radio) 2CD (it's brand new -- not necessarily a good introduction but a truly amazing release). And, God is My Solar System / Superpower 2LP, Midnight Cowboys From Ipanema LP or CS, Jack's Creek LP, Live at Planet Boomerang 2LP, any of the 7-inches, any of the videos, Carnival Folklore Resurrection #7 (Sumatran Electric Chair), Wah CD, and, for all the Gocher freaks out there, Carnival Folklore Resurrection #8 (The Handsome Stranger) is another Charles Gocher libretto. I'm sure I'm missing some obvious ones, but get all these albums and you've at least scratched the surface . . . . . suncitygirls.com for more info.

THE 'GOD AM I SICK OF LOOKING AT THAT OTHER TOP 10' TOP 10
by Tony Rettman

10 JAMS IN MY CAR'S TAPE DECK, CIRCA HIGH SCHOOL ('89-'92) THAT I PROBABLY COULDN'T LISTEN TO NOW
by Chris Sienko

CHRISTMAS CARD, TOP 10 STYLE
by Joe Johnston

Top 10 Puns And Gags from the 35th Season of Sesame Street:

10. The Count explains he is called The Count because he loves counting things, and also because of his royal heritage
09. The Getting Dressed Channel lineup: first, “Socks in the City,” followed by
08. “Shall We Pants,” starring
07. Shirt Reynolds
06. Oscar has two bands rehearse in his trash can at once, InStink and
05. Phlegminem
04. Reality show Joe Hundredguy, who pretends to know how to count to 100 but can do so only with the help of his British butler
03. Boisterous, balding southern self-help talk show host Dr. Feel
02. Each episode this season ends with Oscar reading Slimy the Worm a chapter from the serialized adventure series Trash Gordon
01. Count von Count and Julianne Moore enact a scene from “Far From Seven”

Top Ten Christmas Movies/Programs:

10. Mickey’s Christmas Carol (Mattinson, 1983)
09. Frosty The Snowman (Rankin/Bass, 1969)
08. A Christmas Story (Clark, 1983)
07. Eyes Wide Shut (Kubrick, 1999)
06. Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer (Nagashima, 1964)
05. Beavis and Butthead Do Christmas (Judge, 1995...would that all this misplaced ‘90s nostalgia would at least give us some Beavis and Butthead reruns)
04. Amazing Stories episode “Santa ‘85” (Spielberg, 1985)
03. A Charlie Brown Christmas (Melendez, 1965)
02. Twilight Zone episode “Night of the Meek” (Serling, 1960, with Art Carney as ersatz Santa)
01. “How The Grinch Stole Christmas!” (Jones, 1966)

Top Ten Christmas Songs:

10. Winter Wonderland (Darlene Love)
09. What Child Is This (any ragtag church choir)
08. Joy To The World (John Fahey)
07. (Is This Really) Christmas Time? (Head of Femur)
06. Christmas (The Who)
05. Frosty The Snowman (The Ronettes)
04. The Christmas Song (Nat King Cole)
03. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas (Bing Crosby)
02. Christmas Time Is Here (Vince Guaraldi Trio with kids singing)
01. Silver Bells (Dean Martin)...This song captures the whole of the Christmas spirit for me...it makes me want to don a tuxedo, top coat and white silk scarf and stand on a busy street corner at night with a quadruple scotch and soda as a blizzard falls on me and I drunkenly smile ear to ear at kids and parents as they shuffle by. That’s pure drunk holiday velvet bliss, baby! Merry Christmas!

THE TOP 10 TUNES THAT MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER AND STOP ME FROM BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST THE COUNTER WHILE SCREAMING 'THEY ALL HATE YOU AND YOU SMELL LIKE DUNG!!!!'
by Tony Rettman

1. Attak-‘Today’s Generation’
2. Motley Crue-‘Public Enemy No. 1’
3. The Pack-‘King Of Kings’
4. Virgin Prunes-‘Sandpaper Lullaby’
5. Narnia-‘The Juggler’
6. Tyla Gang-‘Styrofoam’
7. Twisted Roots-‘The Yellow One’
8. Black Flag-‘I’ve Got To Run’
9. Rockpile-‘When I Write The Book’
10. Elton John-‘Country Comfort’

TOP 10 PIECES OF MUSIC TO GET CHASED TO
by Joe Johnston

10. Theme from "Psycho" (Bernard Herrmann)
09. "Shakey Jake" (Joe McPhee)
08. "Toad" (Wheels of Fire version) (Cream)
07. "Trees Have Roots In The Earth" (Brotzmann/Drake)
06. "Herbert Harper's Free Press News" (Muddy Waters)
05. "Straight Ahead" (Jimi Hendrix)
04. "Detonator" (Last Exit)
03. "The Dream of Jacob" (Krzysztof Penderecki)
02. "Directions" (Miles Davis)
01. "Out to Launch" (Sonny Sharrock)

Happy Halloween!

TOP 10 INFLUENCES ON PENTAGRAM (IN THE ORDER THEY ARE NAMED BY PENTAGRAM DRUMMER GEOF O'KEEFE IN HIS LINER NOTES TO THE PENTAGRAM ALBUM FIRST DAZE HERE -- ALL I'VE TAKEN OUT IS THE COMMAS)

"....and the Stooges," adds O'Keefe, but that would be eleven...

TOP 10 CLASSICAL JAMZ FOR 7/26/04
by Weasel Walter

1. Elliott Carter - Double Concerto for Harpsichord and Piano -- This legendary american sick-fuck created a masterpiece of dizzying complexity and bombast as a showcase for dueling keyboards. When the dust clears, everybody wins.
2. Igor Stravinsky - Les Noces -- the birth of brutal prog: check out the Leonard Bernstein conduction of this monster and you'll probably never be able to listen to Magma with the same gee whiz amazement ever again.
3. Olivier Messiaen - Sept Haikai -- A succinct seven movement freakout containing awesomely filigreed and polyphonic pile-ups of bird-song, gamelan, Hindu talas and more.
4. Alban Berg - Three Pieces for Orchestra, Opus 6 -- 20 minutes of intense, kaleidoscopic noise from one of the big-three Austrian twelve-tone daddies.
5. Pierre Boulez - Rituel -- A bizarre construction featuring
mobile-like orchestra interludes floating eerily over skeletal, phasing percussion death-rattles.
6. Aaron Copland - Inscape/Connotations for Orchestra -- Yes, America's compositional sweetheart wrote gnarly, dissonant abstract shit too, just like the best of them. The proof is right here.
7. Dmitri Shostakovich - Sonata for Violin and Piano -- This guy had a pretty hard deal, living through two world wars, Stalinism and censorship in Russia during the 20th Century, but his later works cry out in righteously bracing harmonic and rhythmic freedom while still retaining a melodic core.
8. Carl Ruggles - All -- A neglected figure in early US weirdness, his slender oeuvre is replete with earbending discord and asymmetry on par with Varese, but heavier and more uniform in tone and timbre.
9. Lucia Dlugoszewski - Angels of The Utmost Heavens -- a stunning work for brass ensemble that darts around in a violently superhuman rage, halting and lurching at an unpredictable and hellish pace. This one goes out to the ladies.
10. Gilbert Amy - Diaphonies -- A sublime barrage of extremely spiky, pointillistic chamber music . . . and I'm not going to say anymore because I need to go to sleep.

GO TO THE LIBRARY AND LEARN ABOUT MUSIC. IT'S FREE. DON'T STEAL THE RECORDS.

THIS WEEK'S NUMBERS (April 1, 2004)
by Larry F.O. Dolman

10. "Growing Beards" -- Points Gray
09. "Please Stop Fucking Each Other" -- Country Teasers
08. "Sandy" -- Country Teasers
07. "Big Rock Candy Mountain" -- Harry McClintock
06. "Destroyer's The Temple" -- Destroyer
05. "Sharkskin Blues" -- No Doctors
04. "Nekromantik" -- Sabbat
03. "Christmas Meat" -- Dead Raven Choir
02. "More Than A Woman" -- Bee Gees
01. "Police Story" -- Black Flag

TOP 10 SONG ROCK BLOCK FROM A MIXTAPE I MADE TO LISTEN TO
by Daniel DiMaggio

1. The Stooges – Loose (Take 3, Complete Funhouse Sessions box set version)
2. The Necros – IQ32
3. Crass – Big A Little A
4. Non-Phixion – Rock Stars
5. Kool G. Rap – Talk Like Sex (“swinging with this here stud you need practice, I’m leaving floods of blood on your mattress”)
6. Smut Peddlers feat. Kool G. Rap – Talk Like Sex pt. II
7. Vanity 6 – He’s So Dull
8. The Rolling Stones – Stupid Girl
9. Kim Fowley – Teenage Death Girl (“I confess that I am the devil, walking around with a silver shovel…. right on bitch!”)
10. Silverhead – Rock N’ Roll Band (“will you finance my rock n’ roll band? all I wanna do is dance”)

NEW YORK vs. MIDWEST: BATTLE ROYALE
by Joe Johnston

TITLE CARD:
01. Sesame Street vs. Bozo’s Big Top

TOP 10 SONGS FROM THE (RIDICULOUSLY) COMPLETE JACK JOHNSON SESSIONS BOX SET BY MILES DAVIS
by Joe Johnston

10. Willie Nelson (Take 3)
9. The Mask (Part One)
8. Konda
7. Ali (Take 4)
6. Go Ahead John (Part One Remake)
5. Johnny Bratton (Insert 1)
4. Willie Nelson (Insert 2)
3. Go Ahead John (Part Two C)
2. Duran (Take 6)
1. The Mask (Part Two)

TOP 10 INFOMERCIALS (ON THIS, THE 20TH ANNIVERARY OF THE INFORMERCIAL)
by Joe Johnston

10. GLH (Great Looking Hair) Formula Number Nine (it sure looks like it works)
9. Don Lapree's Money Making System (most non-sensical) 8. Soloflex (sexiest infomercial EVER)
7. The Little Rascals/Our Gang video set (most use of blackface gag on televsion today)
6. Bacon Wave microwave bacon cooker (best looking bacon)
5. Bob Barefoot's Coral Calcium (best name for a calcium suppliment)
4. Girls Gone Wild - Doggystyle (most celebrity almost-rapes captured on video)
3. Backyard Brawling Babes #2 (girls gone wild FOR REAL)
2. The Perfect Pancake System (because who doesn't desire the perfect pancake?)
1. The Banjo Minnow Lure and Fishing System (most impossible guarantee..."If you don't catch more fish per trip than ever before, return it for a full refund.")

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT TONY RETTMAN IS SLOWLY METAMORPHOSING INTO CHUCK EDDY
by Tom Smith

1. The author gives neither proof nor indication of which Mego recording artists were being "fist fucked," or which audience members were being "fist fucked" by Mego recording artists (fess up, Ton'!).

2. Inherent non sequitur regarding attribution of Dylan Nyoukis's state of mind. Intimates know full well that Dylan's brain shuts down after four beverages, and all aggressive urges are subsumed into involuntary defecation after the second. Far from exhibiting obnoxiousness, Mr. Nyoukis was likely displaying discomfort from diaper rash.

3. The Magick Markers are, it is often said, purveyors of "ambient kiddiecore." It is entirely possible that any pseudo ass kicked was kicked in a manner so bereft of flourish, so imbued with the essence of understatement, that Mr. Rettman failed to notice. (Or, it was too dark in the basement for Elisa to read his list.)

4. This assertion of cancellation cannot be proven. A bias against "softness" is revealed. A jealousy is loosed.

5. Why did Alan Licht fail to cover "20 Eyes" as requested by the fat balding loser in the audience? A theory: given the preponderance of fat balding losers in the audience, perhaps Mr. Licht was unable to isolate and recognize the source of the request.

6. A wildly unstable syllogism anchored by a woeful ad hominem. (And one point of agreement, uncolored by hyperbole: Air Conditioning, indeed, were impressive. "Amazing" would have required the ceiling caving in, Vincent Gallo's body crashing into the basement audience from the floor above, and his torso ripped into and devoured by the surviving members of the mob.) Here one must ask Mr. Rettman to identify each of the "gay ass knitting circles" around which the festival revolved. Perhaps similar "gay ass knitting circles" revolve around collectors of recordings by artists as diverse as Probot, Caravan, and Gordon Lightfoot. Further investigations into the author's biases are proposed.

7. a) I cannot maintain objectivity and respond to the entirety of Mr. Rettman's assertion. b) I missed the whole of Rubber-O-Cement's performance. c) My observations must then be limited to the performance of the Arthur Doyle Electro-Acoustic Ensemble.

I did not find the performance of the Arthur Doyle Electro-Acoustic Ensemble to be pointless.

An aside: At No Fun, To Live and Shave in L.A. desired fun. Many members of the audience, certain of whom are doubtless fans of Thin Lizzy (or at least are likely able to sing along with certain sections of the chorus of "The Boys Are Back in Town") expressed their delight in our performance. Dissenters did not make their opinions known to us. Pointlessness would have been best achieved by our: a) fucking sulking, instead of b) turning the process against itself, i.e., performing no god-awful noise, which we did not do, and c) spreading the motherfucking love.

8. One here wonders about any "gay ass knitting circles" around which the Agnostic Front fan base might revolve.

9. I cannot comment on the assertion. I have not yet been introduced to any Troubleman Unlimited A&R representatives, and thus was unable to recognize them with the required certainty to pass along their signing offer to any founding members of Iron Cross who may have been in attendance. God knows their roster is foul enough to support such a risible combo... (As I only ever knew Sab Grey, however, and would likely be unable to recognize him today, and seeing as how founding members of Iron Cross would likely not have been among the audience members assembled at Northsix in Brooklyn for the No Fun Festival, this sarcastic aside is utterly bereft of dignity.)

10. Sarcasm beneath the dignity of the author. Aaron Reznor fucking roolz!!!

TOP TEN THINGS I DIDN'T ENJOY ABOUT THE NO FUN FESTIVAL
by Tony Rettman

1. Ironic fist pumping was at an all time high at the fest, while ironic fist fucking at a saddening low (Was only practiced by Mego recording artists in attendance)
2. Dylan Nyoukis not quite drunk and obnoxious enough
3. Elisa of The Magick Markers didn't kick enough pseudo aggro/macho ass. I mean...I gave her a list and everything!
4. Field trip to NYHC Tattoos on the Lower East Side with Hair Police to get 'I Love Fluffy Bunnies' tattoos was cancelled due to their drummer (I believe his name was 'Goldy Locks') skinning his knee
5. Alan Licht's 1970 failed to cover '20 Eyes' as requested by the fat balding loser in the audience
6. Too many shitbagg types not checking out the amazing Air Conditioning due to them not being involved in all the gay ass knitting circles this festival revolved around
7. Sets by Arthur Doyle Electro-Acoustic Ensemble, Rubber-O-Cement and To Live And Shave In L.A. not pointless enough
8. Carlos Giffoni chastising me for getting 'too aggressive' in the pit during Hair Police. Sorry man! I had 'Victim In Pain' playing on my walkman!
9. No one taking the bait to sign to Troubleman Unlimited for two mid-town bus passes and a coupon for a Caeser Salad at Sizzlers
10. Wolf Eyes didn't play my favorite song by them ('Head Like A Hole')

1. Iron Cross -- 'It's A Fight'
2. Faces -- 'Bad 'N' Ruin'
3. Straight Ahead -- 'We Stand'
4. Probot -- 'Shake Your Blood'
5. Sector Four -- 'Plaid Spaceship'
6. Caravan -- 'Winter Wine'
7. Side By Side -- 'The Time Is Now'
8. Thin Lizzy -- 'Romeo And The Lonely Girl'
9. Antidote -- 'Foriegn Job Lot'
10. Gordon Lightfoot -- 'Second Cup Of Coffee'

KILLER TRACKS, 3/21/04
by Larry S. Dolman

10. "Splendor 2" -- Splendor Mystic Solis
09. "Krung Thep Cut-up" -- Sun City Girls
08. "Killer" -- Alice Cooper
07. "Killers" -- Iron Maiden
06. "Govery" -- Arthur Doyle Electro-Accoustic Ensemble
05. "Gucci Time" -- Schooly D
04. "The GHENGIS-Necro-Nama-KHAN" -- Sun City Girls
03. "The Ill-Fitting Tourniquet" -- Pengo
02. "Cracked Swanreans" -- Scissor Girls
01. "Too Young To Fall In Love" -- Mötley Crüe

TOP 10 BLUES ALBUMS CURRENTLY MAKING ME RECONSIDER MY RELIGION
by Joe Johnston (Uranium City Records)

10. Jimi Hendrix - Blues
09. Son House - Revisited
08. Skip James - Hard Time Killing Floor Blues
07. Muddy Waters - Folk Singer
06. Son House - The Complete Library of Congress Sessions
05. Skip James - The Complete Recordings 1930-1931
04. Muddy Waters - More Real Folk Blues
03. Muddy Waters - Electric Mud
02. Son House - At Home: The Legendary Rochester, N.Y. Recordings
01. Skip James - The Complete Bloomington, Indiana Concert

COUNT THE BLUES RIFFS . . .
(10 MORE TRACKS OF SOME NOTES, 2/27/04)
by Larry "Fuzz-O" Dolman

10. "Depedidos Banda" -- Reynols
09. "Better End In Time" -- Azita
08. "Midnight Rider" -- Allman Brothers Band
07. "Krautrock" -- Conrad Schnitzler
06. "Disaster in the Sun" -- Weakling
05. "Phobia" -- Outkast
04. "Jimmy James" -- Beastie Boys
03. "Kingdom Hall" -- The Story of Failure
02. "Train to Nowhere" -- Savoy Brown
01. "Give Me Back My Wig" -- Hound Dog Taylor & the Houserockers

10 PROPOSED GREG KIHN ALBUMS
by the Usual Gang of Idiots

01. Kihn't Stop Now
02. Dazed and Kihnfused
03. The Kihnterbury Tales
04. Amerikhin Pie (something with "Amerikihn" anyway)
05. Kihntemporaries (all covers, Kihn doing songs by peers in the biz such as Marshall Crenshaw, Donnie Iris, Dwight Twilley, Bryan Adams, etc.)
06. Adult Kihntemporary (R-rated soul songs)
07. Kunta Kihnte (a heartfelt historical rock opera based on Alex Haley's Roots, incorporating authentic field holler recordings)
08. Kihndergarten (concept: children's songs)
09. Unkihnventional
10. Kihnvoluted

10 BANDS I GOT INTO LAST YEAR THAT GO OVER LIKE A WET FART WHEN MENTIONED IN POLITE COMPANY
by C. M. Bligablum

10. Iron Maiden
09. Janis Ian
08. Judas Priest
07. Bee Gees
06. Tangerine Dream
05. Vangelis
04. Chicago (surprisingly, there's little love for Chicago in Chicago . . .)
03. Bob Welch-era Fleetwood Mac
02. Ween
01. Steely Dan

10 BANDS I GOT INTO LAST YEAR THAT BRING OUT THE HIGH-FIVES WHEN MENTIONED IN POLITE COMPANY (NOTE OVERLAP WITH LIST ABOVE . . . GUESS IT JUST DEPENDS ON THE COMPANY YOU KEEP)
also by C. M. Bligablum

10. Van Der Graaf Generator
09. Iron Maiden
08. Judas Priest
07. Aphrodite's Child
06. Alice Cooper
05. Thin Lizzy
04. Uriah Heep
03. Captain Beyond
02. Stevie Wonder
01. Melvins

HIPPIE, FREAK, OR SOUL SINGER?
(10 MORE JAMS OF SOME NOTE, 2/11/04)
by Larry "Fuzz-O" Dolman

10. "Friend of the Devil" -- Grateful Dead
09. "Skin of Rivers" -- Charalambides
08. "Song To Comus" -- Comus
07. "Lay Lady Lay" -- Bob Dylan
06. "Hegemonium" -- Proto-Kaw
05. "Everybody Needs Somebody" -- 13th Floor Elevators
04. "The Return of Ruebezahl" / "Eye-Shaking King" -- Amon Düül 2
03. "Reopening" -- Azita
02. "Departure of the Boats" -- Azita
01. "Manisero Mufuso" -- Reynols

10 SONGS HEARD IN DOLMAN MANOR ON 1/30/04
by Larry "Rocking" Dolman

10. "Pantagruel's Nativity" -- Gentle Giant
09. "Wheels of Steel" -- Saxon
08. "Electrocute Your Cock" -- Vom
07. "Ascent" -- John Coltrane
06. "Cocaine Blues" -- Heldon
05. "Moo Rah Rah Rain" -- Campfire Songs
04. "A Taut Whirling" -- A.M.
03. "The First Subtle Cabinet" -- Angus Maclise
02. "Thunder Cut" -- Angus Maclise
01. "Chest Fever" -- The Band

10 GREAT CONCEPT ALBUMS NEAR THE TOP 10
by Joe Johnston (Uranium City Records)

o Marvin Gaye, “What’s Going On” (1971)
Omitting the question mark after the title made this a soul statement on what was going on…hot summertime sweaty race Vietnam War drug abused poverty rioting. You can hear the hopeless tension in Detroit. Listen to the long lost, far grittier original Detroit mix to further drive the point home: the Funk Brothers seem to be exorcising the year’s demons. It asked no questions and offered little in the way of answers, but it told it like Cronkite.

o Neil Young, “Trans” (1983)
Ill-received upon release, it was revealed later that Neil was trying to make a statement on the seemingly impossible notion of communication with his cerebral palsy ridden son. The vocoder muddied the lyrics beyond recognition, but listening from the standpoint of trying to teach a paraplegic boy who’s never spoken or heard sounds lends the record a tragic quality rare for ‘80s synth music.

o Modern Mandolin Quartet, “The Nutcracker Suite” (1991)
It’s tradition for lists like these to confuse the issue, and this may be my Japanese intentional flaw, but it may not. Windham Hill?!?!?!?!?!?! But for the last 12 years nothing has said post-Thanksgiving/pre-Christmas to me more than this album, featuring not only the Tchaikovsky piece but Winter from Vivaldi’s “Four Seasons,” Mozart’s “The Magic Flute” and a new piece by Edgar Meyer called “Winter’s Chill.” It’s straightforward, pretty, string-quartet styled classic compositions, and it’s a conceptual masterpiece.

o Muddy Waters, “Electric Mud” (1968)
All the blues purists hate this record above all others. It’s basically Muddy Waters running through his classics and a few new songs with a new band featuring Pete Cosey, Phil Upchurch and other young brash musicians. They say it was Chess Records' attempt at selling more albums to Muddy’s new white rock and roll audience by lumbering him with a younger psychedelic rock band. In saying so, though, they reduce this album to the worst possible cultural stereotyped low: Marshall Chess as the greedy Jew plantation owner and Muddy as the “Yessir, Massah” dumb nigger who had no power over his own career. HAVE THEY HEARD THE ALBUM? Muddy’s scorched-Earth baritone is ten times more passionate on these renditions of his classics than on HIS OWN originals! You can’t fake that sort of singing…it comes from deep within. And Chess didn’t care that much about the money…what they wanted was for Muddy to make more money because the blues purists had already bought all the 78s and LPs and weren’t helping feed Muddy’s family. In any event, it’s been sort of rediscovered and you should hear it if you haven’t already.

o Derek and The Dominos, “Layla And Other Assorted Love Songs (1970)
What’s the best way to deal with the fact that you’re madly and passionately in love with your best friend’s wife? Change your name from Eric to Derek and record this set of creakingly mad rock songs. People often talk of how soft and commercial and lame Clapton is, and they usually except Cream. But they never seem to bring this album up. Do we forget it was Clapton because it’s SO FUCKING GOOD AND ROCKS SO FUCKING HARD? Perhaps. “Do you want to see me crawl across the floor? Do you want to hear me beg you to take me back? I DON’T WANT TO FADE AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!” Nearly brings me to tears every time I hear it. Atta boy, Slowhand. Wish you’d kept it up.

o The Who, "Quadrophenia" (1973)
This makes the list instead of Tommy because it ROCKS THE FUCK OUT. Some of the best songs of coming of age ever written...I wish I had heard it when I was a young man but sadly missed out until last Christmas. It avoids the tendency of most rock operas to royally suck for the last 5 minutes (like "The Wall").

o Neil Young and Crazy Horse, "Greendale" (2003)
The most contemporary album to make the list, it is a rocking collection of story songs that may or may not intertwine to create a larger image. I don't think they are intended to...I think it's a lot of "Powderfinger" type songs that happen to center around a select group of folks in a select town. You could make a case Young is trying to say something important, but I think he rebuts that case with the line "I got a new song to sing...it's longer than all the others combined, and it doesn't mean a thing." Mostly it rocks, and I love Young's new Little Walter amplified harmonica blues sensibility. Only he can away with lines like “There was a helicopter flying over your place/when I talked to your neighbor Kyle.”

o Ice-T and Body Count, "Cop Killer"
"Who gave those fucking niggers...those rock guitars?!?!?!?!?!?!" And more importantly, why didn't they do so sooner? I love this album...no need to read between the lines, just read the lines. Take all your dejected 14 year old noise and emo fans and lump them into a stadium and make them listen to "KKK Bitch" and they'll lighten up and start doing something constructive.

o Peter Brotzmann, Toshinori Kondo, William Parker and Hamid Drake, "Die Like A Dog: Fragments of Music, Life and Death of Albert Ayler"
This makes the list because it made a concept out of free form improvisation. Runner up is Derek Bailey's "Ballads." Having never heard Ayler before he started recording, Brotzmann still makes a wonderful eulogy to his American counterpart.

o Alvin Lucier, "I Am Sitting In A Room"
To confuse the issue and hopefully spark debate.

TOP 10 NICKNAMES GIVEN BY THE PRESIDENT
by T. Quincy Fitzhume

10. Tex
09. Stretch
08. Mumbly Joe
07. Sugar
06. Toots
05. Putty-Put
04. Sweet Cheeks
03. Slim
02. Dick "Chain Reaction" Cheney
01. Major League Asshole

T. Quincy Fitzhume

EDITOR'S NOTE: I've got one too! True story, a co-worker of mine was a rising politician in Iowa a few years ago, and he's also a leukemia survivor. He and our current president met at an Iowa fundraiser for leukemia research. Bush admired him for his success against the disease, and took to calling him "LEUKEMIA MAN!" I capitalize it and add an explanation point because my co-worker said that Bush would shout it out whenever he saw him. -- Larry "Fuzz-O" Dolman

DICK "CHAIN REACTION" CHENEY'S 10 FAVORITE INSTRUMENTS OF INTIMIDATION
by T. Quincy Fitzhume

10. Baseball bat
09. Pump-action shot gun
08. Hired goons
07. A deep hole
06. SUV
05. Long spear brought back from recent trip to Africa
04. "A cold .45 on the back of a squeeler's neck"
03. "Testicle Ripping" Pliers from Home Depot
02. Mace with gold chain
01. Yelling, "drown him in oil, boys!" while chomping on a cigar.

Bonus Info: I smoked pot with Dick's second cousin Dave. No kidding!

TOP 10 BANDS I HAVEN'T LISTENED TO, BUT AM SURE SUCK
by Sir Reggie Queequeg

10. The Unicorns -- About two summers ago unicorn shirts
were popular amongst the weird dressing art student types. I have no problem with this crowd, they are usually friendly and dance. I have a feeling this band is some twee kids who stand there and sing cutesy songs, and the audience is all "moved by the spirituality," like at this one Microphones show I was at. Seriously, I am all for people dressing however they want, but these kids looked SOOOO bad. My friend told me that if I ever visited Portland I'd probably
vomit.
9. The Polyphonic Spree -- I have only heard this on tv, and the song's a total Flaming Lips rip-off. If you have a voice extremely similar to someone else's, maybe you should try and do a different style of music then them. Oh yeah, this list is bands I haven't 'listened to', not 'heard', bands can count if I only heard a snippet on tv. Oh, I figured out why I hate it so much, it's too quirky! Same reason I didn't like the
last Lips album. This reductionist music logic of Larry's makes reviewing a snap!
8. The Stills -- Because they are on Vice Records, and the label put out an album called YES NEW YORK! And it features the Strokes, The Walkmen, The Rapture, and is advertised "the post-punk/art-garage rock explosion in New York City is breathing new life, new style, and a new attitude into music." It doesn't look like the Stills are on this release, but your Stred Cred has gone out the door with me, Vice! It doesn't matter how many lines of cocaine you snort off your
"Metrocard", whatever that is, you are hereby declared UNCOOL.
7. REO Speedwagon -- I know they completely suck, and have heard their songs before, but literally remember NOTHING of them. I guess I don't have that much to write about them, I just didn't want to fill the entire list up with "the" bands, it seems cheap
6. A.F.I. -- I read a review of one of their shows in the Local Mainstream Newspaper, and the reviewer said they sounded like Styx! That sounded like it could be cool, I actually like Styx's hit songs, even if they are cheesy. Then I read another review that said they were pretty emo sounding. It is funny how emo bands always deny that they are emo, but whenever you hear that about a band, it's ALWAYS true.
5. The Wisdom of Harry -- it's some new Matador band,
remember how many awesome bands they used to have on
that label? Unsane, Thinking Fellers, Bardo Pond? All of them long gone...except Bardo, I guess they only left like a year ago or something. You're no Thinking Fellers, Wisdom of Harry, why don't you just give up?
4. Kingsbury Manx -- For this one I just went to Magnet magazine's website, and took a name from the front cover. I bet they play guitar pop, and are all really nice people.
3. Dream Theater -- I've only heard bands inspired by Dream Theater, and shit, it's some of the WIMPIEST music I've heard in my life. One time this guy wanted to fight my buddy Tom, because Tom wouldn't say that Dream Theater played with "emotion". "It doesn't sound like any emotion I've ever had!" Later, the guy's friend apologized, saying "he's the best guitarist I've heard in my life, but he has a huge
cocaine problem!" Hey, another blow reference, what
is this, Vice Magazine?
2. The Darkness -- Only heard a little bit of this song, they are supposed to be the new Hair Metal Heroes of the Rock Revival or something, but they sound like Poison mixed with Weezer. Oh yeah, and Derogatis, rock crit from my number one shittiest band, put their bass player on his Artist of the Year.
1. Vortis -- Oh my God, their website is called "vortisrock.com" So you know they rock! And their album is called "God Won't Bless America"? And the drummer is a super fat rock critic who doesn't like Wolf Eyes? And your name means "The Point of Maximum Energy"? Congradulations Vortis. You are the number one
band on this list.

TOP 10 RADICAL RIGHT WING ROCKERS AND THEIR PET ISSUES
by T. Quincy Fitzhume
Fellow, NASH-CATO Institute

10. Matt St. Germain (L) Minneapolis, MN Issue: Guns
09. Steven Tyler (I) Boston, MA Issue: Washington Pork
08. LL Cool J (R) New York Issue: Medicare
07. Nellie (I) St. Louis, MO Issue: Immigration
06. David Grubbs (R) Chicago, IL Issue: Abortion
05. Har Mar Superstar (R) St. Paul, MN Issue: Welfare Reform/$$$
04. Jack White (R) Harper Woods, MI Issue: $$$
03. Tyrese (R) Hollywood, CA Issue: $$$
02. James Hetfield (R) Downey, CA Issue: $$$
01. Bono (L) Dublin, UK Issue: Third World Debt Relief

MOON'S TOP 10 BEERS (WITH #10 BEING THE BEST)
by Chris Moon (Last Visible Dog, MCMS, Yermo)

1. Pilsner Urquell
2. Blue Moon Wheat
3. Sam Adam's Weise Bier
4. Long Trail Ale's Black "bear"-y wheat ale (a seasonal from Vermont)
5. The Optimator
6. Arrogant Bastard's Stone: Old Guardian Barely Wine-Style Ale (may substitute with Affligem, Delirium tremens or Gulden Drak ale)
7. The Celebrator (comes with toy rams!)
8. Ipswitch's Porter
9. Sam Smith's Oatmeal Stout (far superior to any of their other products with the exception of their superb organic ale!)
10. Trinity Brew House's Russian Imperial Stout (only available in Providence)

TOP 10
by Ben Chasny (Six Organs of Admittance, Plague Lounge, Badgerlore, The F You Two, Comets on Fire)

1. The Baby Huey Story - The Living Legend
2. Cale/Riley - Church of Anthrax
3. Bud Light
4. The Lowdown - Y Is A Crooked Letter
5. Peter Lamborn Wilson
6. Live Hendrix
7. Dylan - Blood on the Tracks NYC sessions
8. Fahey/Kottke/Drake - the father, son & holy ghost of acoustic guitar
9. Van Morrison
10. Rick & Bohemian Books in Arcata California

TOP 10 SOUNDS ROCKING THE CRITTBO ESTATES AS OF 12/11/03 by Tony Rettman

1. Chris Bozzone-'Bloodstained Butterflies' CD (Self Released, 2003)
2. Urban Waste-12" Re-issue (Mad At The World, 1983/2003)
3. Mickey Newbury-'Frisco Mabel Joy' lp (Elektra, 1971)
4. Barnacled-'Table No. 12" 7" (White Denim, 2003)
5. Jimmy Campbell-'Half Baked' lp (Vertigo, 1971)
6. Plastic Crimewave Sound-'Flashing Open' lp (Eclipse, 2003)
7. Neil Campbell And Rob Heyler-'In Luck' CDR (Fencing Flatworm, 2003)
8. Banco-lp (Manticore, 1975)
9. Double Leopards-'Halve Maen' Double lp (Eclipse, 2003)
10. The Shins-'Chutes Too Narrow' CD (Sub Pop, 2003)

TOP 10 MOST VALUABLE PLAYERS FOR THE CHICAGO CUBS IN THE 2003 NATIONAL LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES VS. THE FLORIDA MARLINS, IN ORDER OF VALUE (WRITTEN AFTER AMARIS RAMIREZ'S GRAND SLAM IN GAME 4 WHEN IT LOOKED LIKE THEY HAD IT TOTALLY WRAPPED UP AND THEY HAD NOT YET STARTED THEIR INEVITABLE CURSÉD CHOKEFEST)
by Larry "Fuzz-O" Dolman

1. Mark Prior. The Rock, on which the team's confidence rests, calmly.
2. Kerry Wood. 2nd most valuable simply because he takes some of the pressure of Prior. In any series against the Cubs, Kerry Wood represents the second probable loss to go with Prior's first. That pressure looms throughout the series, even in Game 3, which Wood could not get a grip on and had to leave early. He did not pitch well, but he was still tough as hell, and the Cubs still won because the threat somehow still held, even through a parade of anonymous relievers. (Kyle Farnsworth! Joe Borowski! Eric Renlinger!)
3. Kenny Lofton. This guy just rules. Whenever Angel and I see an instant replay close-up of him out there kicking ass, we like to imagine him as a guy who never says a word on the field or even off, just kicks ass. His game is that smooth. Remember how he reacted when the ump ruled that he didn't catch that one ball against Atlanta that he totally did? He didn't say a word, and he was right, because the Cubs won the series anyway. Kids, that's called sportsmanship, and you can do it too . . . if you're good enough. And, Lofton is the guy that scores most of the Cubs' runs, because he's always on base when Sosa and Aleu and Ramirez are up.
4. Sammy Sosa. It's tough to be the star, especially when you strikeout big almost as often as you hit big, but Slammin' Sammy has not let us down, and his defense has been top-notch too.
5, 6. TIE, Aramis Ramirez and Randall Simon. Maybe I should just put these guys as a tie for number one. I can't believe they got these guys and Kenny Lofton from the Pirates this season. Like a banner at Wrigley Field said: "Thanks Pittsburgh!" Who can forget Ramirez's amazing first inning grand slam in Game 4, or Simon's two-run monster that put the Cubs up 4-3 late in Game 2? Props also go to Randall Simon's amazing "bad ball" hitting skills -- you cannot walk this guy, he'll swing at anything. If you don't throw him a meatball he'll hit foul balls all night until you're ready. They've both been very solid in the field as well.
7. Moises Aleu. The Rock, part two. Stoic like Robert Parrish.
8. Damian Miller. Weak at the plate, but not behind it. This guy was so steady at catching throughout the series that most people probably didn't even notice it. (And props go to Paul Karo, who rotated at catcher, almost as invisibly as Miller, but that's really props to Dusty Baker, for his skill at utilizing the bench.)
9. Alex Gonzales. This home run king could be the #4 man for a lot of Major League teams, but for the Cubs he bats seventh. What was I just saying about the threat of the longball maintained practically throughout the whole nine? [Even #9 hitter Kerry Wood hit a home run in Game 9.]
10. This could be a few different people. Why not Matt Clement? Mainly for the weird beard -- gotta have at least a little bit of freaky styley on the team somewhere. Plus he pitched really well in Game 4, his performance overshadowed by Ramirez's grand slam, and his own oddly invisible Damian Miller-like invisibility.I know, I know, my Top 10 is biased towards the pitching squad, but that's just how important the pitching job is. Or, why not give it to [???] Glanville, who I'd never heard of before and whose full name I already can't recall, incredibly pinch-hitting a game-winning triple in the [once-pivotal] Game 3?