Viva,
la difference.
by
Tom Elko
L-R: The Right Honourable Jean Chrétien, Prime Minister
of Canada; George W. Bush and the First Penis on display.
Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien recently said
something that struck me as profound, and if you are familiar
with the Prime Minister, anything profound he says is worth
listening. Foremost, he is a French-speaking man with an incredible
knack for hacking to pieces the English language at the perfect
moments (www.thislife.org, episode 65). This may mean he does
it on purpose. I would like to believe so. Canadians have
to stand up for themselves, not like they get bullied or mocked,
but just because we are their neighbors and we are Americans,
except for those of you who opposed the war, like the Canadians.
So,
this statement he made, it was in regards to the Canadian
legalization of gay marriages. They are decriminalizing marijuana
as well. How better to stand up for yourself, than go in the
opposite direction of us? How brilliant is that? And this
is how he backs it up:
”You
have to look at history as an evolution of society."
Ok,
everyone settle down. Now I know there’s been a crazy
shit happening lately. Since the last presidential election,
which you should never forget, we’ve had a really huge
terrorist attack, a subsequent war in Afghanistan (were soldiers
are still dying even today) and a just for shits and giggles,
we took a victory lap by destroying Iraq (no sign of liberation
yet) so everyone in the whole freakin’ global sex community
knew who had the biggest phallus! USA! USA! USA!
I
have to admit, I didn’t really know how I was going
to work this next bit into the column so I didn’t really
try. This is an untainted paragraph taken from Bush’s
last war cry before we let him (them) do what they wanted:
"First,
some ask why Iraq is different from other countries or regimes
that also have terrible weapons. While there are many dangers
in the world, the threat from Iraq stands alone -- because
it gathers the most serious dangers of our age in one place.
Iraq's weapons of mass destruction are controlled by a murderous
tyrant who has already used chemical weapons to kill thousands
of people. This same tyrant has tried to dominate the Middle
East, has invaded and brutally occupied a small neighbor,
has struck other nations without warning, and holds an unrelenting
hostility toward the United States."
I
don’t think he wrote it himself. But if I may indulge
myself and make a few changes, you can decide which version
is more true.
"First,
some ask why the United States is different from other countries
or regimes that also have terrible weapons. While there are
many dangers in the world, the threat from the United States
stands alone -- because it gathers the most serious dangers
of our age in one place. The United State’s weapons
of mass destruction are controlled by a murderous tyrant who
has already used chemical weapons to kill thousands of people.
This same tyrant has tried to dominate the Middle East, has
invaded and brutally occupied a small sovereign nation, has
struck other nations without warning, and holds an unrelenting
hostility toward the United States."
“Yes,
I have a question. George Bush never used chemical weapons
to kill anybody.”
Well,
not thousands of people…only over 130 Americans…
"They’ve
had full access to the courts and they’ve had full access
to have a fair trial,” Bush said of the 132 convicted
criminals executed in Texas since he took office in 1995.
But
a recent investigation by the Chicago Tribune found that 43
of those inmates were represented by defense attorneys who
have been publicly sanctioned for misconduct. Forty others,
the Tribune reported, had lawyers who presented no evidence
or only one witness during the critical sentencing phase of
their trials. And dozens of others reportedly were convicted
with the help of unreliable physical evidence or the testimony
of non-credible witnesses.
Bush’s
aides insist that the media is exaggerating the deficiencies
of the Texas system and maintain that the death penalty will
not be a decisive issue in the campaign.
And
if you haven’t heard of Tulia, Texas do a quick internet
search and see what you find…
Now,
I really to keep calm while writing this, but, if you think
about these things in anything but a selfish way, it's so
damned difficult not to get pissed. But I’ll whip all
of this wicked injustice around to a zenith, in the blink
of an eye. What Jean Chrétien meant when he said “you
have to look at history as an evolution of society”
was 1) that society changes, but people need to ensure that
it changes for the better, evolves, progresses and 2) that
America is not doing this, and if you won’t the Canadians
will.
God
bless them, may they never have to close their borders in
the event of crisis.
Cut
Taxes, Raise Hell Y’all
By
Tedward Fitzhume
Hi, my
name is Ted and I’m not an Elvis fan, but I know he
grew up poor, became really rich, recorded “In the Ghetto”
and then sometime after, died on a toilet. Bob Zimmerman grew
up in Hibbing, Minnesota, a taconite mining town, changed
his name to Dylan, got the hell out, and then became really
rich. It's a cliché in rock and roll and a mantra in
hip hop. Grow up poor, get rich with music. So my question
is, are the tax cuts good for rock’n’roll?
The
Only Thing That Trickles Down is Piss
I’ve
noticed that no one really pays attention to politics, so
I’ll cut to the parts that are the most rad. First thing
you got to know is that the country is broke, but don’t
worry, there isn’t a collection agency big enough to
take on the US of fucking A. But, on the other hand, government
is forced to cut programs and services. But, on the other
hand our military has plenty of cash (that’s an employment
opportunity for you college grads and high school drop outs
out there). I know what you’re saying right now, “Fuck
that, I wrote a forty page Lit thesis so I could be an administrative
assistant.” Well, I have news for you buddy, a B.A.
on your resume won’t get you a job like having “Abrahms
M-1 Tank Captain Feb. 2003 – March 2003.”
The other part
of this tax cut you should know about is that it’s the
same dirty tricks the right has been pulling since 1980. Voodoo,
Trickle Down, I forget what they’re calling it now because
I have done no research for this article. But it's bullshit
man! You gotta believe me.
In any case,
the problem with this type of economic theory is that it relies
on the kindness of rich assholes to pull through. Gluttony
is a sin and we’re all guilty, but not as guilty as
most of the people richer than us, and I say this assuming
Blastitude readers are not a classy bunch (Queequag excluded).
I suppose if the wine is flowing like water, and the coke
turns your mustache gray, then I would assume that there would
be some truth to this theory. But the cold hard truth is that
they’re passing it off as an economic stimulus. Sure
a rich man might throw a wild party with lots of top shelf
booze and narcotics floating around, offering to pay a thousand
dollars to anyone willing to let him snort coke off their
dick, but in these economic times, I’m just not sure
that happens quite so frequently.
Caught
With Your Pants Down and Your Thumb Up Your Ass
Karl Rove
thinks Americans are stupid, and this is the most successful
political strategy in recent memory. Why else would this guy
pair up with Jr. back in the heart of Texas? Former leader
of the College Republicans, then college drop out, and then
the most powerful non-elected person in the United States,
and he got there thinking that you, yes, you the reader, are
in fact an idiot. You either won’t vote, won’t
care, won’t understand or you will blindly support what
you believe is moral and just without truly understanding
what it is you are yelling about. Liberate Iraq indeed. So
we might as well come out and say it…
Yes, you were lied to,
deceived, mislead, misinformed, duped, suckered, and made
to look like a real jackass by your own government. You should
be outraged and ashamed. There are no “weapons of mass
destruction” as GW put it, but never defined. There
was no perceived threat, just make believe threats, to American
lives. The people of Iraq had it bad, but tens of millions
more had it much worse, well, at least they used to have it
worse than the Iraqis. Who would have thought that after we
remove the government that chaos would fill the void? But
in America we went along with it and today we don’t
like to talk about it much, its time we move past the war
and on to other less uncomfortable things, just two months
after it ended. This is nothing short of a humiliating moment
in history.
But
What Will We Do About the Derelicts and the Un-cool?
Back to
the tax cuts. So, programs and services get cut, which is
what the Right wants to happen. Its a matter of reducing the
size of government, and the states have the right to go along
with it. Remember that the only reason that this is going
on is because Karl Rove took us all for idiots and we thanked
him by electing a wave of Republicans into various levels
of government. Of course, education is one of the first things
to go in our new broke-ass way of life, which only encourages
us to become idiots, and it only gets worse for there, so
I’m going to sum it up by only using music as an example.
First thing to
get cut is jazz band. And that makes real jazz less nerdy,
because nerds will no longer be exposed to jazz through high
school jazz band, and jazz can once again be cool. Which is
good. And those cool kids who were in jazz band just because
they liked music, like us, will have to move into the garages
and basements, which is also good."
Now not only will
jazz get better, and the garage and basements get better,
but there will be a lot more poor people who will have the
slim opportunity to rise and be the next Elvis, Dylan, or
Eminem. So, to sum it all up, the tax cuts are the worst idea
ever, and really good for rock’n’roll. How do
you like that suckers?
More by Tedward Fitzhume.........
Review
of William Safire
The dark
prince of the Old Grey Lady tickles me pink, and I’m
not ashamed to say it. His weathered face has that “Chuck
Heston” smile that is at once hard to resist by the
conservative women folk and, at the same time, seems to say
in a knowledgeable elder sort of way “listen kid, I
have some wisdom to impart on you.” Personally, his
visage makes my skin crawl in that hippie pinned in the corner
of the Pizza Shack by a cop with a GED and a nightstick kind
of way. “Listen kid, I’m going to make sure you
don’t get a job and people call you fag while you walk
down the street, you pink-o son of a bitch.”
Review
of Joe S. Harrington
The Prince
of Darkness at the Ol’ Brown Dolman Bowl that is Blastitude
has yet to tickle me through one chance encounter, but we
won’t close the book on that chapter. With his tussled
hair and his beer in tow, his winsome smile seems to say “have
you bought a copy of my book?” while at the same time
saying “go away” and also “did you know
one of the original copies of the constitution was written
on hemp?” A confusing hell to find yourself in indeed.
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