ISSUE 14  WINTER 2002/2003
page 11 of 27




A Cheerleading Documentary From The Discovery Channel I Saw At Some People’s House One Drunken Early Morning
Dudes, I just saw a totally awesome documentary the other night. I use dudes in a non-gender specific sense, if you pay attention to that sort of thing. Anyways, it was all about the National Cheerleading Competition. The best part in the whole movie was a girl getting one of her teeth knocked out during a routine. She managed to continue doing her kicks and stuff though, she has just the sort of moxie you need to win a cheerleading competition. The footage was great, you could see the tooth flying through the air. They showed her afterward, crying with a missing front tooth. Another highlight of the documentary was the coaches, who seemed to be either teams of two hyper big boned mothers, or a flaming gay man, and sometimes his boyfriend too. So keep your eyes peeled for this, I didn’t even see the whole thing, but it is still one of the best documentaries I’ve ever seen.

Like, like, bring it on?

Those MyScene Dot Com Ads
The first time I saw these commercials I was like “What the fuck is this?” Then I noticed that one of the characters was named “Barbie”, but she didn’t have the humongous, disproportionate boobs you see on Barbie. Then I saw a “copyright Mattel” thing in the corner, so they must have made Barbie more realistic, i.e. she is now really skinny with smaller boobs. Actually, looking at the website she is WAY skinny now, she should really have the anorexic fuzz.
       If you don’t want to bother waiting for the flash animation and are curious about the endings to the stories they show in the commercials here they are.
       Madison (the black girl)-She ends up tricking that Asian girl into letting her take the cool blouse, but then later at a club she decides it would look better on one of her other friends, so she takes it out to show it to her, then the Asian girl is there and sees her doing this. Then it’s continued again.
       Chelsea (the other white girl) She fixes up her dress on the subway to look different, though we are not shown how it is done. She goes to a club, and some dude with a Maynard G. Krebs goatee starts hitting on her. I am not sure if he’s hot or not, as I am not gay or a cartoon. That’s all that happens, then it’s continued, it’s pretty boring.
       Barbie-She talks to her friends about how she is worried that her favorite cell phone got left in a cab, but then one of them gives her her cell phone so she can call it, and YET ANOTHER DUDE WITH A GOATEE is in the cab. Apparently goatees are hot stuff in New York. Not much happened in this one either.
       So that’s that. I had mixed feelings about writing about an advertisement, but it’s not really going to inspire any Blastitude readers to purchase Barbie merchandise, so I don’t feel so bad.

Now that Barbie is skinny is L.A. billboard stalwart Angelyne going to get breast reduction?

Steely Dan “Two Against Nature”
I remember reading something about Byron Coley saying on the Drone On mailing list that if someone is a fan of the Dan that they don’t know anything about music, and shouldn’t be writing on the mailing list. Well let me tell you something old man, there’s a new generation rising up, and we’ve got our own crazy wild style of music, so stick it in you pipe, then stick it up your ass HIPPIE! Also, anyone who is on a email discussion list is a NERD, actually anyone who reads stuff on the Internet is a nerd. I am talking to you, dear reader, if we could right now me and the rest of the wrestling team would KICK YOUR ASS, QUEER! NOW SAY YOU LOVE BIG DICK! Ah, please excuse my little high school reverie there.
       Back to the subject at hand, I never really understood Steely Dan, even though a friend of mine, Ulf, was a big fan. But one day he came by with the sun in his eye, and he beckoned me into the Steely Dan Groove Vortex. “Come on in, the water’s fine!” he shouted. And I did and never looked back, and made a copy of “A Decade of Steely Dan” that night, which is definitely the album to start with. It has a lot of the best songs, and also has a version of their song “Bodhisatva”, introduced by an extremely drunk, black, probably homeless, probably gay man. “Good afernoon ladiesangenemen” he starts his soliloquy. It gets better from there. But I’m talking about the new Steely Dan album, right? Well, it’s a lot of smooth jazzy stuff, which is very well crafted, non-rock music. So that will probably turn some people off, but I think it sounds really good. The lyrics are also cynical and top-notch. The first song “Gaslighting Abbie”, is about perverted sex of some sort I think. “Flame is the game/The game we call gaslighting abbie/It’s a luscious game for three/One summer by the sea”. Maybe I am just young and experienced in the carnal ways, but I really have no idea what they are talking about. Something about a three was, but what the fuck is gaslighting? This is part of the magic of Steely Dan. Musically the song is a sort of greasy funk, but then the grease is cleaned off, and the surface is polished really nice so you can snort some fine pure blow off it.
      "Two Against Nature," or ‘the title track’ as a reviewer who gets paid would probably call it, is another one of my favorites. It’s got a nice electric claps polyrhythem groove, along with some fine piano playin’, and some cool horns coming in. Again, you can’t deny that it’s well crafted. But Yes songs are well crafted, and I don’t care for a lot of their stuff, so it just goes to show how subjective music really is. But Yes’s lyrics suck. And the Dan have songs like this one, about a wild debaucherous night, which brings to mind the three mysterious men in Outer Dark by Cormac McCarthy, or that one gang at the end of Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace. “All those nice people those goodly souls/Quacking in their respective hidey-holes/Everyone’s wasted in this gruesome dream/Not a one of them left to hear you scream/Two against nature don’t you know/Who’s goona grock the shape of things to go/Two against nature make them groan/Who’s goona break the shape of things unknown”. I really enjoyed the inclusion of the word ‘grok’ in there, there’s nothing like obscure 60s slang in modern songs. The only other modern song I’ve heard that used grok was by Brother JT. “Two against nature tan and lean/Puttin’ big heat on skanky things unseen/Two against nature slinging dread/Those boys wanna bang the skulls of things undead”. Those sound like they could be Wolf Eyes lyrics, but it’s all presented with smooth music.
       So you see, that’s why I can be into the crazy noise music, and still enjoy The Dan. Much like a certain band called THE MINUTEMEN, who covered “Dr. Wu” on Double Nickels on the Dime, an album even crap indie rock magazines call a classic. And I haven’t even mentioned the incest song on this album.

Two hard motherfuckers...taking out any chump-ass suckers...

Reggie’s Book Club
I am watching a documentary about Huey Long right now, but I missed most of it. It seems really good though, he is a Louisiana politician who is totally corrupt, of course. He’s also a heavy drinker, and an excellent public speaker. So, if you want to be in my book club, try and find a book about him, and so will I. The book is going to be awesome, I can guarantee it. So let’s “discover together”. XOXO Reg.

Huey Long, also a hard motherfucker, who often gave the illusion of having three hands.....

Queequeg’s Quips and Quibbles
Here’s my column of little thoughts I have come up with that I was too lazy (i.e. so drunk I am seeing double) to write entire paragraphs about......
I think both the guys who play Will and Jack on Will and Grace are actually straight. They couldn’t find any GAY ACTORS? What the hell? Nonetheless, the Jack character is pretty funny, as is the hot fag hag lush, Karen.....Can Missy Elliot be arrested as a terrorist for having a Marine say “come and get some of my Cina-bun-bun” in the Work It video? It seems sort of gay for the Marine to say that, as well as unpatriotic.....Things I would like to see bands do:
1.It would be pretty cool if Peaches had a song called “Touch My Butt” “Touch my butt, whut?” It would be nice to hear her do a song about touching butts. 2.When Andrew W.K. decides to retire the t-shirt and jeans costume, I think it would be sweet if he wore an all white tuxedo, which got all dirty and sweaty and whatnot. It might get a little hot though, so I can understand if I decides to stick with the t-shirt and jeans, it’s still a damn good stage costume. 3.The Strokes should cover “Stroke Me” by Billy Squier. It would be hilarious! BECAUSE “STROKE” IS THE NAME OF THE BAND, ONLY IN THE PLURAL FORM! Ok, I will give this up now.....
You know, even though I think both authors are great, I would like to see Cormac McCarthy kick Jeffrey Eugenides’ ass. Can you guess why?


I was watching 7th Heaven the other day, and had Whitehouse “Quality Time” playing in the background, and it worked very well. Try it!.....Today a woman called up the cheeseshop I work at asking if we had any “sausages that come packaged like they are beer bottles”. I said “No, but it sounds really cool, I wish we did have that!” Just think, you could bring a six-pack to a party, and drink one of the beers at home, replacing it with a sausage! What a great idea, whoever came up with it deserves millions of dollars....Speaking of work, which I shall not name to avoid google searches, the guy who owns the place is a total skeeze. Here is a little tale about what caused him and his wife to separate for a while. I will give him the pseudonym of “Tony”. So, basically he was only hiring hot young cashiers (a practice which still goes on for the most part) and he would have big hot tub coke parties at his house, which his wife didn’t know about. Also present at the parties would be the general manager who we will call “Lorenzo”. So Tony and Lorenzo decide to go on a trip out to Vegas with some of the cashiers, and various activities (such as suck jobs, and sniffing blow) are photographed by Lorenzo. A while later Lorenzo’s coke habit starts interfering with his job, so he gets canned. After a month or so, Lorenzo decides to get revenge by sending the pictures he took to Tony’s wife! I tell ya, they ought to make a sitcom out of my work! You will be happy to know that Tony and his wife are now back together, though she comes into the workplace every day now.....Is it just me or are schizophrenics on the bus becoming more racist lately? This one woman the other day was going off about ‘bone cocks’, which was a fine story, but she had to turn it all racial. “Nigger” this, and “Nigger” that. There should really be some sort of program to teach the crazies to become more tolerant........Do you want to hear another rumor? This one is more recent. So, I guess Tony is up in Canada on a fishing trip with some strippers. It’s just him and the guide on the lake with the strippers, getting the blow jobs and whatnot. So, he’s at some pretty packed bar and someone gives him an inflatable sheep, anatomically correct. And he’s pretty loaded, and drops his pants in front of the entire bar, and starts fucking the sheep! Just think, if you were a millionaire you could be doing stuff like this, as long as the old lady doesn’t find out. If you are a millionaire, you’re probably already doing this stuff! Write in and tell me all about it, I might publish your story and make you famous!

El Tio Cojones -- An Erotic Tale
Here is a joke from Spain related to me by my dear friend Ulf. It concerns a man named El Tio Cojones, which literally means “Uncle Balls”, but in this area of Spain “uncle” is a sort of slang like “Dude”. So it’s sort of like “Dude Balls”, or “the Balls Guy”.
I tell you one of one time pass, is not as if not as if be telling you of more of the one. There is one man of my village, he is called El Tio Cojones. He called El Tio Cojones because he have the big, cojones, which is also have the penis, which is also large and famous. This man, he go by El Tio Cojones all through the village. And when he go to bar, every time he walk up through the door, and all the world through the bar “!El Tio Cojones!” And all the people in the bar say “!Donde Dia Tio Cojones!” And El Tio Cojones he walk into the bar and he say “One Beer!’ And todo mundo in the bar see him, and right away El Tio Cojones pull out his dick. Is huge in his hand, and he start to jack it off. And El Tio Cojones he has his dick on the bar and he “!BAM BAM BAM!” He hit the bar of his big dick. He call like that the bar man. And the bar man he walk up and he say “What do you want Tio Cojones”. And Tio Cojones he come to the bar man and he say “Look my goat is here!” And he look down on the ground and there is one goat. A woman goat. He begin to fuck the goat. All the bar is laughing, they are saying of him because he fuck a woman goat at the bar. But once of a time El Tio Cojones begin to say, “Come! One man! One man!”, and all the world of the bar look up, and around of El Tio Cojones he pull one man and he say “Turn the goat around!” And the man say why, por que El Tio Cojones, and Tio Cojones he say “Ah, when I come, I want to kiss the goat on the snout! Ahhh!” And so El Tio Cojones, he kissed the goat on the snout. Now, there is a legend that say, when El Tio Cojones fuck a prostitute, have to put pillow, not to go to deep and injure the prostitute. El Tio Cojones. He walked the world tall.
This story really goes to show. Comedy is truly the international language. Seriously, this is way funnier than any of Shakespere’s comedies.

Top 202 Albums of 2002
It has been a great year for rock-and-roll-fans, what with the much touted Return of Rock and Roll, such top talents as The Chairs, The Easy Goings, The Lattices, The Vines, The Lamps, The No Doctors and The Swans blowing people away with their “back to the basics” sound and hott clothing. And more surprises were in store, from spunky songstress Avril Lavigne, showing us all how cute True punk rock can really be. She even rhymes “cool” with “fool” in one song. How adorable, yet poignant! And it wasn’t just the rocksters plying their trade with such aplomb, the rapsters shone strong as well. From Nelly to Aaron Carter, has their ever been a better time to be alive, hip-hop speaking? A thousand times no! But we must not forget that most wonderful time of the year, Christmas. Mannaheim Steamroller better watch out, there’s a new Yuletide Powerhouse in town! The Trans-Siberian Orchestra reaches similar, if not greater heights with their stirring renditions of Christmas Classics. Will these long haired blond Eastern Europeans in tuxedos playing their wicked guitar solos beat the futuristic synths of whatever Mannaheim Steamroller looks like? It’s too close to call, you won’t find me gambling on either side. But these heavyweights aside, here are the Top 202 albums of 2002. And no, it’s not meant to be a definitive list, it is only the Best Albums of the Year.

202. Led Zeppelin IV
201. Led Zeppelin IV
200. Led Zeppelin IV
199. Led Zeppelin IV
198. Led Zeppelin IV
199. Led Zeppelin IV
198. Led Zeppelin IV
197. Led Zeppelin IV
196. Led Zeppelin IV
195. Led Zeppelin IV
194. Modest Mouse “Sharpen You’re Teeth”
193. Led Zeppelin IV
192. Led Zeppelin IV
191. Led Zeppelin IV
190. Led Zeppelin IV
189. Led Zeppelin IV
188. Led Zeppelin IV
187. Led Zeppelin IV
186. Led Zeppelin IV
185. Led Zeppelin IV
184. Led Zeppelin IV
183. “New York Eye and Ear Control”
182. Led Zeppelin IV
181. Led Zeppelin IV
180. Led Zeppelin IV
179. Led Zeppelin IV
178. Led Zeppelin IV/ Led Zeppelin IV (tie)
177. Led Zeppelin IV
176. Led Zeppelin IV
175. Led Zeppelin IV
174. Led Zeppelin IV
173. Led Zeppelin IV
172. Led Zeppelin IV
171. Led Zeppelin IV
170. Three Doctors “The Archaeology of the Infinite”
169. Led Zeppelin IV
168. Led Zeppelin IV
167. Led Zeppelin IV
166. Led Zeppelin IV
165. Led Zeppelin IV
164. Kevin Drumm “KD” tape
163. Led Zeppelin IV
162. Led Zeppelin IV
161. Led Zeppelin IV
160. Led Zeppelin IV
159. Led Zeppelin IV
158. Lemonheads “Hate Your Friends”
157. Led Zeppelin IV
156. Led Zeppelin IV
155. Led Zeppelin IV
154. Led Zeppelin IV
153. Led Zeppelin IV
152. Led Zeppelin IV
151. Led Zeppelin IV
150. Led Zeppelin IV
149. Led Zeppelin IV
148. Led Zeppelin IV
147. Led Zeppelin IV
146. Led Zeppelin IV
145. Led Zeppelin IV
144. Led Zeppelin IV
143. Led Zeppelin IV
142. Led Zeppelin IV
141. Led Zeppelin IV
140. Led Zeppelin IV
139. Led Zeppelin IV
138. Led Zeppelin IV
137. Led Zeppelin IV
136. Led Zeppelin IV
135. Led Zeppelin IV
134. Led Zeppelin IV
133. Valet “The Glaumour Is Countagiouus”
132. Phil Collins “Take Off Your Pants and Jacket”
131. Led Zeppelin IV
130. Led Zeppelin IV
129. Led Zeppelin IV
128. Led Zeppelin IV
127. Led Zeppelin IV
126. Led Zeppelin IV
125. Led Zeppelin IV
124. Led Zeppelin IV
123. Led Zeppelin IV
122. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
121. Led Zeppelin IV
120. Led Zeppelin IV
119. Led Zeppelin IV
118. Pedro the Lion “They Rolled The Stone Away”
117. Led Zeppelin IV
116. Led Zeppelin IV
115. Led Zeppelin IV
114. Operation Ivy “s/t”
113. Led Zeppelin IV
112. Todd “I have a gun”
111. Josh “I am on heroin”
110. Led Zeppelin IV
109. Led Zeppelin IV
108. No Doctors “s/t”
107. No Doctors “s/t”
106. Led Zeppelin IV
105. Led Zeppelin IV
104. Proust “Remembrance of Things Past”
103. Led Zeppelin IV
102. Led Zeppelin IV
101. Led Zeppelin IV
100. Led Zeppelin IV
99. Led Zeppelin IV
98. Joseph the Dog “In the Morning”
97. Led Zeppelin IV
96. Led Zeppelin IV
95. Led Zeppelin IV
94. Led Zeppelin IV
93. The Lord Of the Rings “The Fellowship of the Ring”
92. Led Zeppelin IV
91. Led Zeppelin IV
90. Led Zeppelin IV
89. Royal Trux
88. Led Zeppelin IV
87. Led Zeppelin III
86. Led Zeppelin IV
85. Led Zeppelin IV/Bad Brains “Rock for Light”
84. Led Zeppelin IV
83. Led Zeppelin IV
82. Led Zeppelin IV
81. Led Zeppelin IV
80. The Hang Ups “Skaboom! Vol. 2”
79. Led Zeppelin IV
78. Led Zeppelin IV
77. Led Zeppelin IV
76. Led Zeppelin IV
75. Led Zeppelin IV
74. Led Zeppelin IV
73. Led Zeppelin IV
72. Led Zeppelin IV
71. Led Zeppelin IV
70. Led Zeppelin IV
69. late “absent blues for pekong mae”
68. Led Zeppelin IV
67. Led Zeppelin IV
66. Led Zeppelin IV
65. Led Zeppelin IV
64. Boredoms “Super Roots IV”
63. Led Zeppelin IV
62. Led Zeppelin IV
61. Led Zeppelin IV
60. Led Zeppelin IV
59. Led Zeppelin IV
58. Led Zeppelin IV
57. Led Zeppelin IV
56. Led Zeppelin IV
55. Led Zeppelin IV
54. To Live and Shave in L.A. “Vedder Vedder Bedwetter”
53. Led Zeppelin IV
52. Led Zeppelin IV
51. Led Zeppelin IV
50. Peach of Immortality “R.E.M. is Air Supply”
49. R.E.M.“Peach of Immortality is Air Supply”
48. Led Zeppelin IV
47. Led Zeppelin IV
46. Led Zeppelin IV
45. Led Zeppelin IV
44. Led Zeppelin IV
43. Led Zeppelin IV
42. Led Zeppelin IV
41. Led Zeppelin IV
40. Led Zeppelin IV
39. Led Zeppelin IV
38. Slaughter-Kinney “Double-Chin Fucking Corin Tucker”
37. Led Zeppelin IV
36. Led Zeppelin IV
35. Led Zeppelin IV
34. Led Zeppelin IV
33. Led Zeppelin IV
32. Led Zeppelin IV
31. Led Zeppelin IV
30. Led Zeppelin IV
29. Led Zeppelin IV
28. Led Zeppelin IV
27. Led Zeppelin IV
26. Led Zeppelin IV
25. Led Zeppelin IV
24. Harry Pussy “Ride a Dove”
23. Led Zeppelin IV
22. Led Zeppelin IV
21. Led Zeppelin IV
20. 8 Mile Soundtrack
19. Anthology of American Folk Music vol. 1, 3&4
18. Led Zeppelin IV
17. Led Zeppelin IV
16. Led Zeppelin IV
15. Led Zeppelin IV
14. Led Zeppelin IV
13. Led Zeppelin IV
12. Led Zeppelin IV
11. Led Zeppelin IV
10. White Stripes “Red Blood Cells”/Led Zeppelin “s/t” (tie)
  9. Led Zeppelin IV
  8. Led Zeppelin IV
  7. Led Zeppelin IV
  6. Led Zeppelin IV
  5. Strapping Field Hands “Gobs on the Midway”
  4. Whitehouse “Wriggle Like A Fucking Eel”
  3. Led Zeppelin IV
  2. Coldplay “A Rush of Blood to the Head”
  1. The Roches “Nurds”

That about wraps it up for this column. Direct any complaints or accolades to Only it’s not co, there’s an m at the end, I am just trying to avoid spam engines. And if you know any Cultural Studies and Comparative Literature students, or better yet, grad students, please tell them to read my site and interpret it, or deconstruct it, or whatever. I think that shit’s pretty fucking funny. So until next time…

Then wear the gold hat, if that will move her;
If you can bounce high, bounce for her too,
Till she cry “Lover, gold-hatted, high-bouncing lover,
I must have you!”

Your pal, R. Queequeg

R.Q. in days of his youth, "registering communists"






You are still high on life because of

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